


The Scapegoat

by orphan_account



Category: Hell's Kitchen (US TV) RPF
Genre: Competition, Drama & Romance, Falling In Love, Love at First Sight, M/M, Romance, Same-Sex Marriage, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-04-01 23:42:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 25,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4039120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I would never had thought it was going to be me, I hadn't prepared myself mentally for that possibility… I thought I could avoid it for sure. The truth felt like a slap in the face yet it felt like I barely had experienced it at all, like a surreal dream, I just needed to wake up from. Life is such bitch sometimes. Especialy when she makes you one. Fuck me, this is going to be the longest fucking time of my life… I looked for Scott's brown eyes to save me, just to hug me and convince me that this was all just a nightmare.</p><p>Chef Ramsay introduces a new concept to his show, unknown to the viewers of course. Someone will take on the tole of a “scapegoat” for other contestants to relieve their feelings on. And they are allowed to do anything… but perhaps not all hope is lost. In the darkness, there's light in the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another HK fic I wrote. It's going to be a little shorter than my other fic. But still it can't save me from going to Hell.

I was the last chef to arrive to HK, along with some other woman who looked awfully snobbish and barely glanced at me. She reminded me of those spoiled high school girls, even flipping her hair in that similar matter. The ones from movies though, since I never had the time nor the means to go there.

It was not until I clumsily introduced myself, that she seemed to notice me. She held her head in an overbearing fashion with her lips pouted out. I knew she didn’t think much of me, not that it bothered me too much. I mean, the least I could do is to get along with everyone else, though I doubted she had the same intentions.

“Thomas Stevens. Just call mew Tommy.” I gave her my hand, not expecting her to take it.

“Elise Wims.” The woman responds as haughty and dry as her expression suggested. Surprisingly she took my hand as she smirked like a smug snake. Her hand was warm, contrasting against the cold stare she gave me.  The shake was incredibly short, before Elise stormed off with all her bags. She was a pretty girl, very pretty, though I just wished that she would condescend herself a little.

* * *

A total of 35 people were already gathered in the dining room of HK. They didn’t seem to take notice of me, which was very surprising since I was always more or less used to been the topic of discussion whenever I came to a new place. Many of them looked like originals; a scruffy looking man with a white cap was in full conversation with another guy who looked like he could lose some pounds, without it hurt him. I thought I walked like a shadow between all these people. That was until someone suddenly decided to greet me.

“Hi!” A rough voice called me from behind, I turned around only to be welcomed by a gigantic redheaded Viking with the beard and all. He was large with matching big arms that almost made him look like a bear. “Name’s Jason Zepaltas.” The Viking smiled and offered me a bear paw in disguise of a human hand. Small red hairs was traced all over his arms.

“Tommy Stevens.” I reluctantly took the paw, fearing he would accidently crush my hand. Looking around I didn’t thought much of my other rivals, sure some of them looked like they were over my league, especially one man who looked generally dull with stern eyes, yet his movements indicate the opposite but nothing seemed to frighten me or making me feel any special emotion whatsoever.

Or so I thought. A little overwhelmed, would however be an understatement for that feeling that was about to rush over me, knocking the air out of my lungs.

I thought Elise and I were the last chefs to arrive. _How wrong I was._

A man, looking to be at least a few years younger than me walked into the dining room. His eyes were as dark brown as chocolate, unable to read. Not that I believe that reading people’s eyes would help me judge them but his eyes continued to captivate me with their… warmth and indistinguishable gaze. His eyes were deep, their darkness made them look like a maze where he would have to guide me should I ever get lost in them. He was a head taller than me, and twice as buff, with dark brown-almost black rumpled hair. No one seemed to notice him and he didn’t notice me… before he coincidently glanced at me.

Without warning, my body just froze in place. Time stopped as I held my breath in unfamiliar anticipation. Who was this guy, and why did I react to him like this? My stomach turned and twisted in ways I never thought was possible as I observed him. _Dammit man, snap out of it! You like chicks, not dicks!_

Jason’s talk suddenly became empty nonsense in the background, as the dark haired passed us by, nodding in a greeting before moving along. Even though it only took a few seconds, it already felt like forever. His eyes met mine again, turning my knees into jelly.  

I felt like a total idiot for constantly catching myself staring at him afterwards. He was handsome, very much so. So much that I felt ashamed to even think like that… Jason had already given up his speech, he understood that I was in a whole other world now. In the world of brown eyes.

* * *

I did fairly well on the signature dish challenge. Not the best but ok. Jason was on the other hand the blue team’s saving grace. It was his tacos that launched us in a VIP trip with fine dining, champagne and partying. The next day we would return to HK to do service. The women would make our beds, prep both kitchens and carry in truckloads of fresh ingredients, Elise looked like she could fucking cry, her brown frowned in pure aggravation as she glared fatally at a very skinny blonde woman, who had put sugar in her mashed potatoes, a fatal move.

* * *

A black bus with “Hell’s Kitchen” printed on it was picking us up as we drove to Vegas. “Yeah, we’re goin’ to Vegas!” some southern redneck exclaimed, probably a little tipsy. All the other guys were cheering and celebrating too… expect for that one guy with the chocolate-eyes and myself as I then again stared at him from the other end of the bus. He was in deep conversation with some of the others.

“This is an awesome start on Hell’s Kitchen, huh Tommy?” Jason half-drunkenly embraced me with champagne in hand, his breath smelled alike. I felt so tiny in his gorilla arms.

“Sure.” Was my only dry response as I focused on brown-eyes, who smiled lightly and cheered with the others. _Why can’t I stop staring at him, it’s not like he’s some kind of superhero!_ He suddenly turned his head to me, looking directly into my eyes. Quickly looking away, I mentally slap myself for being like this. _Fucking shit! What’s wrong with me? I’m not gay!_ Instead of freezing my blood boiled especially in my face, my cheeks flared up. I suppose it happened because _he_ suddenly sat next to me. **_SHIT, FUCK, NO, YES!! WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO?_** Millions of thought went flying right through my head, screaming several words at once. I couldn’t collect them, they were all over the place throwing ideas that worked against each other. _Say hi, ignore him, don’t look at him, let it go!_

“Got a little too much to drink? He smiled. Completely taken aback by his light and boyish voice, I looked at him like a fucking moron. _That was not the voice I expected to come out of him!_ I’d imagine he would sound more like… my boss at home if he was 20 years younger, mature with a kick of youth. It took an embarrassingly long time to realize that he actually asked me a question.

“Oh… uhm, hehe not really… just tired, I guess… uh” I forcefully chuckled. My heart accelerated at Mach speed, pounding hard inside my chest.

“Heh,” he lowly giggled, before he gave me his hand. “Scott Commings.” He said in that shamefully sexy voice, which made my heart skip two beats, his voice ringed all the way to my gut. “T-Thomas Stevens. Eh, Tommy… nice to meet you.” It really was.

We shook hands and sat in 20 minutes, next to each other without talking. The other guys were louder than ever, forcing Richard the oldest of us asking them all to shut up. I didn’t hear any of it. All I could hear was the hammering heart in my chest at the million shameful analyses of Scott. _Oh no, he’s handsome. He looks really older than I thought in close-up. He has such a cute smile. Maturity and youth has never been so well combined._  Immediately I was gripped by a sudden fear. I don’t know how, I’m not even sure I knew why. Why was I obsessing over this guy so much? Why did my heart pump like an overworked generator? Why did he make me feel like this? Nerves?

I tried to pull myself away a little to shake off this uneasiness. _I’ve always been into girls, right?  Dammit!_

* * *

The hotel was as large as an entire school gym, with more than enough space to hold 18 people. Big bedrooms larger than my own fucking apartment with super-king sized beds and decorations in European style made most of the suite. I looked at Ralph, the smallest of us all as I imagined him on one of those beds, looking like a mouse in the lion cage.

I was so astonished by the surroundings that I hardly notices that all of a sudden I was alone in the bedroom with Scott. I let out a soundless scream as my heart nearly jumped through my throat. He look at me with a worried gaze, “Did I startle you?” he was stuffing his face with chocolate that almost looked identical with his eyes.

Again my face turned into a flaming tomato. His presence alone made me feel so… exposed. Like he was secretly looking into my soul and toying with me. And yet there was a kind of innocence to him, and an alluring aura of kindness and chivalry, that made it very hard for me think he would secretly analyze me. He was so suave, it almost drove me insane.

“Uh…no…no… no.” I stammered. _Yes you did. Yes you fucking did!_

The other guys were outside in the hot tub, partying like animals. Probably they forgot we had service tomorrow. Scott looked at them smiling with this lightly grin of his as he sipped to a glass of wine. He was handsome, he was really beautiful. And I stared at him again, completely captivated by his grace. _Oh no… what am doing? Am I really falling head over heels for him?_

* * *

That night I dreamed of cozy bedcovers in warm colors, embracing me. I woke up drenched in sweat, flushed and very hot. I felt depressed, alone in bed.

* * *

“I would like everyone to get here, immediately!” Chef Ramsay yelled in the telephone as Joy ordered everyone to get downstairs. Ramsay stood with his arms crossed as always. Behind was a strange very large contraction covered by a cloth. I couldn’t guess what was there, if my life depended on it.

Two waiters removed the cloth, only to reveal a giant slot machine. It looked like an enlargement from Vegas, an equally large handle was attached to it. _Fuck me, if that’s what cool in Vegas, then I need to go there fast._

I noticed that there was no cameras around, which was something strange. _Odd._

“Chefs, as you might figure out, Hell’s Kitchen is no joyride. You have to be strong and tough. But most of all, you have to endure!”

He paused before speaking again. “But… in the last year or so, I believe I have gotten a little too rough, so…”

I wasn’t the only one who dropped my jaw to the floor. Chef Ramsay? Admitting being too rough? This had to be a joke. It was in the middle of September, not 1st of April. “Therefore I have given you a little gift form relieve a little of your stress.” He pointed to the slot machine. ”This will decide for you which person… on your team… will be… the scapegoat.” He dramatized.

“What?” several people asked, the fear was beginning to draw shadows over their faces. My own included.

“Don’t worry. Let me explain the concept. Each team will have a scapegoat, a type of counselor if you will. That person is safe for eliminations until the black jackets, where the role will be abolished. Under that period though they cannot vote themselves.” Chef explained.

I sighed in relief. _Good God…_

I relaxed too soon, as Chef’s face suddenly grew eerily dark.

“However… the other contestants are allowed to do _whatever_ they want with the scapegoat. As long as they don’t end up dead… or crippled…or mutilated. Oh, and they are not allowed to resist.”

My body suddenly froze in place. I felt an unnerving feeling crawl and spread itself over my inner organs, chocking them. I bit my teeth together hard to prevent myself from screaming “WHY?”

“Chino, Rochelle. Step forward please and decide who will become the lucky one. Ladies first.”

Rochelle giggled nervously before she with great difficulty pulled the handle. A name repeatedly popped up on the display as everyone held their breath.

“Elise! Congratulations! You have made it to the black jackets!” Ramsay excitedly proclaimed as he looked at the black haired woman, not expecting a response. She nodded in self-assuring confidence, there was no sign of fear in her face.

He continued in an unnaturally cheerful tone that made my skin crawl. “Chino, pull the ladder please.” The little Asian man did as told.

An eerily familiar name appeared on the display. The name made my entire body go numb. The fear from earlier came back in tenfold. The choking in my organs become borderline agonizing as I fought hard not to drop to my knees.

I would never had thought it was going to be me, I hadn’t prepared myself mentally for that possibility… I thought I could avoid it for sure. The truth felt like a slap in the face yet it felt like I barely had experienced it at all, like a surreal dream, I just needed to wake up from. Life is such bitch sometimes. Especially when she makes you a one. Fuck me, this is going to be the longest fucking time of my life… I found myself desperately searching for Scott’s brown eyes to save me, just to hug me and convince me that this was all just a nightmare.

_But it wasn’t._

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

The shock didn’t come at first. It only came after Ramsay mentioned my curse again. ”Congratulations, Tommy. Consider yourself lucky.” His former words _“whatever they want”_ haunted me furiously to no end. Giving up searching for comfort with Scott, I instead tried to turn my eyes on Elise, as if say _“We’re in for some deep shit…”_ She looked at me, with that condescending gaze of hers, raising her head as she silently responded _“Get over it! It won’t be that bad. Besides we have free pass to the black jackets!”_

 “Get upstairs, check the menu and be ready to dinner service. Now fuck off!” Ramsay didn’t mean that, after all he would not be smiling like that. Was he relishing in my misery?

Despite my body being as heavy as lead, I somehow managed to get upstairs as it suddenly hit me that I had thrown myself in one of the sofas. I tried reading the menu but I couldn’t memorize a single word of what was written. All I could think of was what the future was going to bring. I felt shivers running down my spine, unable to think clearly. I could believe that it wasn’t as bad as my sixth sense suggested but yet I had no reason to believe otherwise.  

“Hi.” a boyish voice greeted me. I forced myself out of my thoughts as I looked up. My pulse accelerated as I saw a smiling Scott, ready to go in his perfect fitting chef jacket. He sat down next to me, close, _too close._ “You look pale. Are you ok?” he asked kindly. My face turned red as flames as I covered myself. _Oh god… perfect timing. The last thing I needed was him of all people to fuck up my mind further._

Scott laughed lightly “I guess the colors returned to your face returned.” His hand gave my shoulder a friendly clap, before he decided to read the menu. _“You’re so damn cute when you blush like that.”_ Somewhere a voice said, it was not my own. It was very faint but somehow I managed to pick it up. Was it… _Scott’s? **WHAT**?_

Shocked by what I supposedly heard, looked at him. “What did you say?” I asked silently. There was no way I could have imagined that! Scott Commings called me cute! The fear that lingered within me as I felt flames and butterflies in my stomach causing an entire fire tornado. Yet I hesitated to talk. All I could do was to stare in my confusion.

However he did not see me as his eyes were focused on the menu. Or maybe he ignored me, either way I felt relived. He was so deep on concentration that it gave me a chance to look at him probably… again. He had now crossed his legs, stroking the pages of the menu with his slender fingers. I noticed he was excessively hairy. Like on his arms. Another spot on his neck was hairy too, like was he turning into a monkey by the moment if he did not trim himself. But it did not bother me at all, all I could think of it was how soft all these hairs would feel under the tips of my fingers. Especially the dark-brown mass on top of his head. _I would love to stroke it all, and drown in those eyes. So dark and warm…_ The fear of my affections kept lingering within me, but I could not stop. I felt like sailing into deep waters.

* * *

Dinner service was a disaster. Steven continuously overcooked scallops and decided to argue with Chef and Gaurav stuck his fingers into the food, enraging Chef even more. I would be lying if I said I did any better. I burned my lamb three times but managed to cook the fourth one ok… only for Jonathan to fuck it up with undercooked garnish. Everything was falling apart. But the biggest wreck was inside of me as I saw more and more people getting frazzled by the moment. I felt the role as scapegoat enclosing at me.

“Stop! What an embarrassment! I cannot stand this any longer. Blue team, red team go upstairs and find two people to put up elimination. Now piss off out my sight!” Ramsay loudly condescended us with reproach. He glared at me, I knew what it meant. _Step up, let the game being._  

* * *

 

“G, Steven Chino and Gabriel. Easy as that.” Anton said with his rough voice as he sat pleased in the couch. Everyone was voting for these four, expect me of course. That night Gaurav and Steven were sent home and my role as the fall guy began with the company of Gabriel. He wasn’t not a bad person… I suppose.

* * *

 

There was a single room, specifically made for this purpose, located just outside the men’s living room. As the scapegoat, I was to sleep in here. Unlike the other bedrooms, there was a window in here, giving me a view over a garden behind HK. It was filled with flowers in all colors. The room was rather simple in design compared the others, there was a single bed and a nightstand. On one of the walls, a giant mirror hang. It was not comfy, but at least it was acceptable. Feeling the exhaustion from today, I threw myself on the bed, staring at the white ceiling. How I wished I could sleep right now, just let go for a moment and leave this world for the night. I wanted to be here, no doubt, but I wanted everything else but to be the other chefs’ chew toy. I began to feel inferior, like I was turning smaller and weaker. The entire room grew much larger as I shrunk.

Someone knocked on the door, returning everything to its proper size.

* * *

“I just want to prove to Chef Ramsay that I can do better than that. I’m gonna win this! I’m gonna win for my mamma, my homies…” Gabriel continued to ramble on about his family and friends, while waving his arms is illustrations. I heard everything without listening. The conversation was not anything special… at first.

As we talked, I felt the atmosphere getting increasingly uncomfortable. Gabriel began talking about family abuse and racial issues as his voice grew dark and quiet. It made my skin crawl faster than Road Runner.

“Back where I come from. It’s important to choose your allies with care, homophobes and skinheads are fucking masters of disguises.” The moment grew more and more disturbed as he brought up more stories about hate crimes and gang wars. Luckily he must had felt that I grew more restless and uneasy. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Gabriel smiled before leaving the room. I don’t know if I ever wanted to be in Texas as Gabriel left me with this undefinable feeling and an irrational fear of getting shot down during a confrontation with Hell’s Angels.

I survived my first week as a scapegoat. It was harmless but uncomfortable. But somewhere within me was unable to rest, something tells me that it will not be this easy. After all this was only the beginning.

* * *

This week’s challenge was to pick random ingredients and create a proper dish. Unfortunately the blue team fell flat, really hard. The girls were given a day at the spa while we had to fillet around two tons of fish and prep both kitchens. It was no secret that everyone was very angry. And they were angry at Scott. He had proven himself to be a daredevil at cooking, putting hollandaise over swordfish which was apparently a no-no for Chef Ramsay. And of course, everyone was bashing him, constantly. Something within me wanted to comfort him, stroking his dark hair and praising him to the skies. It was not necessary.

He took it all with pride. His expression barely changed at all. But I could see it that he heard all their words, the profanities and insults that would have made any other man’s blood boil. That very moment I admired him more than I wanted to. It gave me the courage to confront him.

“Dude, don’t let them step all over you like that!” Will got in first. His stern look hovered over the much-smaller-in-comparison Scott, expecting an answer. “It’s ok. I screwed up, and I’m gonna own up to it.” The source of my admiration responded without paying Will any attention, he was busy chopping onions. Quick and precise. I could trace his muscles work hard under the chef jacket, my stomach spawned butterflies by the marvelous image that unconsciously popped up in my head, featuring Scott drenched in sweat with bare torso. He was by no means Mike Tyson, but I found him attractive nonetheless. _I’m allowed to think that, right?_

“Glad you admit you’re such a fucking loser!” Mike condescended as he walked in with a fresh load of salmon.  He continued to glare at Scott as he continued “We could have gotten a massage! I could definitely use one right now! Thanks, shithead!” Scott was as silent as the grave, continuing to cut onions. He did not even glance of Mike, which enraged him.

“Giving up already? Fuck out of the kitchen if you can’t take the heat!” Mike berated loudly. He would have most likely continued if it was not for Jason who jumped to the rescue. “Shut up, and fillet the fish already! We lost as a team! It’s not just one guy’s fault!” he scolded loudly, silencing Mike, who quietly exploded from anger. His face swelled up as an erupting volcano as he stood still, before throwing all the fish directly on the ground. Those poor salmon tarnished on the dirty floor, causing Jason to save what could be. “’The hell are you doing, man?” he almost yelled from the floor as he saved most of the salmon.

All eyes were turned on Mike, even Scott’s which were filled with an emotion of contempt. He had stopped cutting and waited silently for the next response. It would turn out that I was a major factor.

Without a single word, Mike turned, hastily walking up to my station before he grabbed my wrist with such a force I swear to God, he was _so_ close to breaking it. He continued to drag me out of the kitchen, tightening his grip. I could feel Jason’s brown eyes, burning in my back as we left. I wanted turn around, to ensure him that nothing serious was happening, but I could not. Somewhere inside of me, I knew I would be lying if I said everything was going to be ok. It was not. I did not complain however, neither did the others. We all knew what it meant. I did too, the choking of my organs screamed it in my ears. My whole body was shaking.

_Time to play._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hell's Angels is an infamous biker gang. Mostly well known in Denmark, along with ludicrous gun-gang AK-47.


	3. Chapter 3

Mike snorted with frustration. His nostrils hyperventilated furiously, his fists were clenched. I could almost see his anger emerging within his breath. If wrath had a color it would be as crimson red as blood and Mike would be covered in it from head to toe.

I sat on the bed, my knees were under my chin as I rocked back and forth in uneasiness. _Oh no, I’m scared…_ I was, really. My nailed dug through my pants, clawing in the skin beneath. My heart hammered wildly in my chest as I silently observed Mike. I would not normally act like this, but now where I had no means of defending myself, I could feel my anxiety rising at a worrying rate. “ _You are not allowed to resist. They can do whatever they want with you.”_ Ramsay’s words haunted the back of my brain, almost yelling inside my head as Mike turned around. His eyes were filled with rage yet his body had loosened up, but it did not change that disturbingly angry aura I felt from him.

“Stupid-ass cocksuckers!” he hissed, deep in thought as he neared me. My nails almost reached my bones. _Please God, just sit down!_

A deafening sound roared right in my ear as a stinging pain swell up on my cheek, sending me flying over the edge of the bed. Dizzily, I lied on all four on the carpet floor, hardly being able to recall what just happened. All I knew was I was scared, frightened and fragile. I could feel the tears pressing under my eyes, as I began crawling for safety. _Help me… help me!_

A fist grabbed my hair, lifting my entire being up while an agonizing pain ripped all over my scalp. My legs trembled like aspen leaves, before I was thrown face flat into the wall, causing the metallic taste of blood gushing from my lips. The tears rolled in streams down my cheeks as I let out a helpless whimper. I knew this would happen, no doubt… why could I not prepare myself for it? Why am I so afraid to look reality in the eyes?

I cried loudly, I cried at my own weakness, at the pain lingering all over my head. I could not stop. How much I wished I could.

“Stop bitching!” Mike yelled loudly as he planted a fist in my back, knocking the air out of me. He forced me on my back, before showering me with punches and insults. His rage was not initiated by me; but by the other guys. As my job as the scapegoat, I could do nothing but take the stressful weight off his shoulders and carry it on my own. I never thought it was this heavy.   

The pain was agonizing, yet I began to barely feel it. It was almost like of he knocked out pieces of my soul with every punch. The scratches, the wounds, the blood, the aching. At first I cried loudly covering myself the best I could but as his rampage went on I took it… the pain, the rage, the misery. Even if it was triggered by absolute ridiculous reasons, I had no choice but to endure. I felt like I was going to die, I felt my strength leaving my body with every hit, my arms laid spread out on the floor as I could see my own blood lightly splattered on the carpet. My nose felt broken, I could feel the blood from my nostrils. My entire body was throbbing sorely.

Part of me came to realize… this was the means to survive. Endurance. It was my job as the fall-guy, taking others misery. Even if I hated it and the very people who gave me their stones. The more I realized that, the more I began to hate Mike and Chef Ramsay…  I don’t need sympathy… I don’t deserve it. But it didn’t mean that I didn’t not want it.

Somewhere along the line, Elise popped up in my head. Maybe because I could hear her voice along with the women’s in the distance. They had returned from the spa, giggling and cheering. I wondered what she of all people would say if she saw me like this. After all, it could just as well have been her.

Suddenly Mike stopped, he had a horrified look in his eyes before he stormed out of the room, not even closing the door after himself. Not bothering to get up and tend to myself, I fell asleep, falling into a deep, painful, throbbing slumber as a reward for my first survival.

* * *

_Tommy…_

_Tommy…_

_Tommy…_

“TOMMY!” Scott’s voice broke through from the furthest corner of my mind, he sounded frantic. He called my name, I felt a wonderful warmth inside of me. I could feel his hands on my shoulders, his warm fingers burning all the way to my skin.

Awake. _Can’t open my eyes… Scott…_

“Help me carry him! Elise, go get the medic!” he commanded. _Elise?_

I could feel my body being gently lifted from the ground. Scott was holding my arms, someone else held my legs. Big hands… Jason.

“He’s so much lighter than he looks like. Give him to me, I can carry him myself.” His rough voice assured. I was glad, I felt really glad. And I felt safe, as I lied in Jason’s bear arms. Yet there was the fear of it all.

“Put him there!” Elise commanded, her voice was stern like always. I was lied down on something soft. A cool cloth caressing all over my face, removing the crimson salt-stains. Bandages were placed on my nose. Band-Aids were put on the minor wounds, while the others were stitched together. The medic was soon done.

“He should be fine now.” He sighed before saying “I cannot believe Ramsay would allow this to happen.” He reflected before his footsteps wandered further away on the cold linoleum floor. “He needs some rest. Hopefully people will understand how wrong this is.”

A warm hand stroke my hair, gently. I recognized the warmth, at last I opened my eyes. There was nothing else I wanted to see than his eyes.

“Oh God… Tommy.” Scott’s brown eyes smiled in relief as he grinned widely. “I’m so glad that you’re ok.” My cheeks flared up, but in reality I was happy to feel like this. _I suppose that liking another guy is not a bad thing?_ My throat was hoarse and raspy, my mind was cloudy but I was so glad to see his brown eyes staring into mine. I only mustered up a sincere smile.

“Tommy!” Jason exclaimed in joy as his bear paws enclosed my hand. He smiled widely. I had my fingers around his thumb as I squeezed lightly. Elise was hovered over me as well, her eyes filled with worry, her brow frowned in expectation. I smiled at her, humanity was so refreshing to see.

“I… made… it.” I whispered.

 


	4. Chapter 4

I was hospitalized for the rest of the week, and Jessica and Beth were sent home. My wounds healed safely by the day. Tomorrow I would be discharged and then I would finally be able to cook. That was after all what I came for.

It was Elise’s turn to visit me today, she had made some omelets. “Tommy, you gotta say no! Don’t let them walk all over you!” she commanded. Clearly, she was aggravated on my behalf, a fact I couldn’t help smiling at. “I can’t do that. That’s the rules.” I answered, stuffing myself in omelets. “By the way, how’re you doing?” She snorted in a pause, before she wailed her arms.

“Krupa wanted to pick a fight with me… so I knocked her in the damn ground. Not my fucking fault she can’t cook a risotto. And Carrie tried to bring out her whole entire sex resume! Skanky skank-skank! So I slapped her in the face, called her a whore and walked out of the room. Can you believe she slept with Brendan? And Chris?”

“Well that doesn’t make an excuse to jump them.”

“It’s called self-defense. Not gonna let them bitches step on me, like I’m some kinda doormat. And Carrie? Well, I just wanted to pound her really hard.” Elise smiled like a wicked witch.

Not convinced, I give her a scolding gaze. People here were surprisingly violent.

“What? If you worked with her, you’d understand! She’s so useless, walking around like a chicken with her head cut off! And she’s absolutely during nothing! She would be much more useful at a brothel than in a kitchen!” she snorted furiously, pointing at me.

“Elise…” I asked lowly.

She lowered her arms in response “Hmm?”

“How do you manage to stay this strong? I mean, aren’t you scared of what’s going to happen to you?”

For the first time, she smiled. It was only a light smirk but it was so warm. I wished she would smile like that some more. “I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little frightened. They can do whatever they want with us… I don’t think people here are that insane, but… with what happened to you,” she took her knee under her chin, her voice grew sincere and gentle with heavy thought. Elise’s humanity and humility were emerging “I can’t really say the possibility of me getting away unharmed exist anymore. You know, the only thing they can’t is mutilation and killing but everything under is fair game.”

She rested her head on her knee. “But I refuse to show weakness. I won’t cry nor will I shed any tears. They can beat me to a pulp, they can do whatever they like. I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to win! And if torture is what it takes, I’ll be more than obliged to jump in head first.” Her raised voice contrasted against her calm posture.

Elise, she took survival and endurance to a whole new level. She may not have experienced what I just had for a week ago, but she knew it was coming. And she was more prepared than I ever would be.

* * *

Finally leaving the infirmary, I returned to my room. The blood stains had been bleached off and everything was in its proper place. I walked towards the mirror, not at all surprised at by what meet me; a person identical with me with the exactly same light blue eyes and brown wavy hair had bandages over the bridge of his nose and bands all over his face. A heavy swelling black eye caught my attention. His lower lip was horribly puffy and his arms were covered in bruises.

I tried to smile. I’ve survived. _Scott, Elise, Jason. Please be proud of me._

A knock came from the door before it opened. Scott walked in, he smiled that gentle smile of his. My face turned red and my stomach chummy. I was glad to see him. I stood surprised at my own joy as it suddenly hit me that my feelings for him had grown stronger since Mike attacked me. I felt tangled of whether I truly loved him or I was just attracted to him. It was not like I had known him for long, around two weeks. Yet this feeling gave me evidence to believe the former.

* * *

SCOTT POV

He did it again, blushing. It made my heart jump in a pleasant way. Honestly I did not wanted to feel this way but I could not help enjoying it so much. It appeared that his face flared up by my presence. I wondered if it was because he felt the same way.

“Hi.” I said lowly, fighting the urge to stroke his hair, to feel those brown locks between my fingers.

“Hi.” Tommy responded equally shyly. This was growing pleasantly awkward. I walked further into the room as I sat down on the bed. The sheets were soft as silk under my fingertips. He sat silently next to me. I caught him secretly glancing at me, which he had done ever since I first met him. We said nothing to each other, the tension prevented us from doing so.

“Uhm… just out of curiosity. How old are you?” Tommy mumbled, he could partly speak because of his swollen lip. It appeared that it was something he had reflected on, though it felt strangely nice to get the atmosphere lifted. 

“36.”

“Oh. Wait, what?” he exclaimed in disbelief. “You don’t look like that at all!” His surprised responses made me chuckle wordlessly.

“Heh, I get that a lot. How old did you think I was?” I smiled at the blue eyes.

“Uh… 27? Or at least younger than me.” Tommy’s face was a deep crimson. Even more so than his lip. He looked frantically out of the window. I briefly envied the liberty of having one.

“How flattering. So I guess you’re 28?” I joked lightly.

“No. 34.”

“I see. Guess I’m your senior then.” I did not expect that. Tommy did not look that old at all, rather he looked like a rookie biker in his teenage years.

He smiled feebly at me, his puffed lip would not allow him to do otherwise. It pained me to see him like this. A suffocating guilt grew within me as I knew that Mike assaulted him because of me. That I pissed him off and Tommy took the beatings. I knew this was the rules, but I could not just sit here and watch him sink like this.

“Tommy…”

“Hmm?”

And I embraced him, enclosing his thin form in my arms. His body temperature rose, his muscles tensed by my hug. ”It’s all right. I’ll take that burden and carry it for you.” Tommy loosened up by my words as his arms gently embraced me. “If it can make you feel any better, I will do it.”

“Thank you…” he whispered lowly, shivering as if he was crying.

_It was okay if he did. I didn’t blame him._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added a POV warning so it's easier to figure out who's the main character. Of course it's Tommy for the most time since he's the primary MC.


	5. Chapter 5

His face blushed again, but there was happiness in his eyes. My hand moved from his waist to the top of his head, stroking the brown waves. They were, as I imagined soft and alluring. Tommy missed to suppress a little giggle as I patted him on the head. My fingers moved to play with his fringe as I suddenly noticed a text under the border of his hair. “ROCK & ROLL” it said. It took a moment for me to realize that I had unconsciously moved forward and gently planted a kiss the letters. His forehead was soft and warm.

“Wha-wha-what are you doing?” Tommy shook underneath my hand, his body temperature was boiling.

“It’s a blessing from your guardian angel.” I smiled. _I’ll protect you. No matter what._  

“Oh. Eh, thanks!” He shyly mumbled. His grip around me tightened as he rested his head on my shoulder. I could hear his heavy breathing relax under the stroking of his hair. He was like a child, feeling safe in the arms of his parents.

‘’Scott?” Tommy asked, muffling in my shoulders. His nose brushed the skin of my neck by coincidence but nonetheless it gave me shivers. I let out a heavy sigh as the heat returned to my cheeks. I embraced him harder with my other hand.

“Y-yes?”

“I… ah, nothing.” He buried his face in my shoulder, he chuckled thoughtfully. It felt like he had something special to tell me, something important even. But I would wait for the day he’d ready to do so. Right now he needed a shoulder to cry on, and I would lend him mine.

* * *

For the next two weeks, I stayed closely together with Tommy. Whenever someone was dragging him to the room or “The Vault” as it would be now called, I was guarding the room from the outside. He would tell me all about the meetings and how all the guys would talk about personal issues and defame others behind their backs. I could see it made him sad to hear all their hurtful words. Especially because much of the negativity was directed at Jason but mostly me. It appeared that they could hardly wait for that fateful day, I would leave Hell’s Kitchen for good. It hurt him. And it hurt me to see him take their faults, to apologize and make excuses for their frustrations. Once in a while he would return with a black eye, crying silently as he dug his nails in my skin, hugging me. It would make me happier than ever if he hugged me with joy.

But nonetheless, it did not matter. I wanted to do this, I wanted to be there for him. If no one else took the chance to do so, I would. I had taken the weight from him by my own choice, he could let his rage out on me, I would not mind. Though something within me told me that it would not be the case. Tommy was a pacifist, he avoided conflict and he generally avoided everyone except for Jason, Elise and I. We were the only ones he could trust. But I was the only one who could protect him. I would become his scapegoat.

I lied in the bed, the time was around 03:23, Gabriel was snoring loudly, disturbing Ralph as he turned and twisted himself in order to get some sleep. Nighttime was a perfect time to reflect on my thoughts. I stroke the soft fabric of my pillow as I thought about my newfound mission. The texture of the pillow was as silky as Tommy’s wavy hair, small curves around my fingers as I kiss every single painting on his body. Brushing the colored skin under my fingertips…

I scolded myself for my impurity, my own affections bloomed whenever I thought fondly of him, even though I knew it was wrong. Perhaps it was only a phase. And I wanted to leave it at that.

* * *

“You know, Elise told me that she stood up to Nicole. I thought if you did the same, maybe it wouldn’t be so much painful.” I stroke Tommy’s chef jacket that hung in a coat hanger on the mirror. It bore his scent. “Nah… I can’t, man. Chef Ramsay would kill me.” Tommy responded as he lied on the bed, he stretched his arms yawning loudly.

“Not if Mike kills you first.” I turned around to face him, though I was a little taken aback by my own coldness.

“Good point. Only thing is, he’s not allowed to do so.” Tommy smirked tiredly. He shook a little by the end of his sentence.

* * *

TOMMY POV

“Get down!”  Mike commanded angrily, his hand forced me down on my knees, Jonathan looked at us, trying to look indifferent but failing miserably. He held a broom in his hand, shaking nervously. He held his breath as Mike looked at him “What are you waiting for? Bring that stick here!” Jonathan did as told. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” he asked timidly, tilting his head as he did so. “Tie him.” The large brunette commanded as he took off his bandana and tied my hands with them, ignoring Jonathan’s question. The bind was uncomfortably tight, but I ignored it all.

I knew it was already time. During these four past weeks, I’ve been a scapegoat, Mike had been a casual visitor. He was by far the most violent of them all, it almost looked like he took pleasure of seeing me in pain by his hands. Many times I would be left with bruises all over my body or a black eye, albeit he never went to far as the first time. I didn’t know if I should be happy or not, though I knew I was afraid now, very afraid. So much so that my blood would freeze whenever he looked at me. Those eyes he sent me, they were filled with triumph. He knew that I was his toy and he could treat me as it pleased him. He even looked at the same way at Elise. Perhaps he was frustrated by the negativity from the other guys but somehow he needed something to break, something to release his rage on. But lately he had been relishing in the dominance over us, especially me.

Jonathan took his bandana from his pocket as he tied my legs. Soon I lied on the cold tiles, bound and gagged with my own bandana. I tried not to look at either of them. “So what do we do with him?” the Tennessean asked in his thick Southern accent, he still had the broomstick in his hand. Mike smirked in an overconfident and weirdly excited manner “Undress him!”

_God, no… anything but that…!_

I shut my eyes as tightly as possible, trying to hold my tears back. The fear from my first encounter with Mike welled up inside of me as well as the memories. I tried my best not scream through the bandana.

Jonathan almost dropped the broom by Mike’s words, he gaped “’the fuck did you just say?” he asked in a confused mix of disbelief and horror. Mike wasted no time explaining himself “Fuck me, are you deaf? I asked you to undress him!” his words made the man silent, before he sighed heavily and did as told. He leaned forward unbuttoning my chef jacket, and pull my t-shirt up to my neck.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered as he continued to my pants. Immediately I began to panic, twisting and turning. I hoped Jonathan was better than this, for the love of God, did I hope that. It would be a lie if someone was to say he was the smartest here but he was definitely not the dumbest. My hopes were crushed as he slowly pulled down my pants, leaving me almost naked on the tiles. It was cold, I froze as I began to shiver. I could feel Mike’s eyes looking at me from head to toe, it was unpleasant, disgusting even.

He walked up next to me and Jonathan. Unintentionally I released silent tears as I feared for the worst. “Mike, I think we should stop. This is sick, man!” Jonathan nervously pleaded, he barely finished his sentence before he was cut off by “Shut up! I can do whatever the fuck I want with him!”

_You have no morale._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really didn't like Mike. He was such an asshole.


	6. Chapter 6

Jonathan pinned my arms to the icy tiles, refusing to look me in the eye. My entire lower body was hoisted by Mike, who ripped off my boxers. A chilling sensation surrounded my naked bottom.  “Nice ass, does Scott ram you every night?” He taunted, his hand suddenly slapped my buttock hard. The pain made me scream through the cloth. The same hand took a hard grip on the aching mark, parting my buttocks. I could feel the cold around my anus, as I fought endlessly to close my legs, but to no avail. I tried instead to prepare myself mentally, to feel just a little strength in me, however my hope died abruptly as I felt the wooden shaft of the broom.

_Oh no…!_

I felt a slashing pain all the way from my rectum and to my entire abdomen as Mike forced the broom deeper inside of me. I screamed loudly through the muffle as I cried in pain, it was agonizing, excruciating, it felt like I bled from there. Jonathan was paralyzed with horror, though I could barely see him through my blurry vision. The stick hammered so deeply inside of me, it felt like it hit my throat. I felt nauseous and dizzy, I threw up through the gag. An endless stream of stinking yellow liquid filled my mouth and poured out all over the floor beneath me. The smell hit my nostrils as I threw up again, my stomach twisting and turning in pain as it forced my inner contents out of me.

“M-Mike! You are fucking sick! Why…?” Jonathan stammered in disbelief of the scenario before him as he tightened his grip on my arms. Mike laughed maniacally “This faggot is gay for that son of a bitch, Scott! Right Tommy? Tell me, is his cock better?” Mike teased as he jerked the broomstick out of me. My hands were covered by my own vomit and the entire stench lingered heavily in the room. My entire abdomen hurt like needles were jammed inside. I cried loudly, the tears blending in with the yellow liquid as I whimpered. _Scott…!_

“Faggots!” Mike condescended me before he left the room, throwing the broom on the ground. As soon as he left, I almost screamed my tears out. My entire body shook in agony, I was dizzy and tired, yet something energized emerged within me, a rage I never knew existed inside of me, had it not been for the fact a was bound, I would have gotten up and crushed something! I was so aggravated beyond what I thought was humanly possible, and yet I had no idea what I was so mad at. These tears, they were a horrible mixture of fear, anger, pain and endurance.

Jonathan stood a little misplaced before he wordlessly untied me, and grabbed a mop from the utility closet behind the showers. He swept the floor under me, working quick and effectively. None of us wanted to talk nor did we want to even look at each other. Before long, Jonathan walked out of the room, without saying a word to me. Not even acknowledging me, just went. He took the feces and blood stained broom with him as he left. So much of handle was stained, I was frightened at just how far Mike had jammed it up inside of me.

As soon as he was out of the room, Scott stormed in. “Tommy!” his eyes were wide open with worry.

_I’m so relieved to see you…_

Without further conversation, Scott grabbed me and went with me directly into the shower, supporting me the entire way. The warm water embraced us gently as he washed my entire body. His hand travelled all over my skin, sending shivers down my spine. It felt wonderful, yet I couldn’t help but feeling embarrassed by his eyes on my complete exposure. He was still wearing his clothes in the shower, but it didn’t bother him. All that mattered for him right now was me, as he made sure I was clean as a whistle. My clothes were packed in a bag and sent to the laundry, while Scott covered my naked being with his wet jacket.

“Scott…” I lowly whimpered. I couldn’t stand it anymore, embracing him hard as I buried my face in his shoulder. It made me feel safe and treasured whenever I did so, I could inhale his scent, feel it all healing my broken body. I cried loudly into his shoulder, digging my nails deeply into the wet fabric of his shirt. _“Faggot!”_ Mike’s word broke its way into my conscious as I suddenly thought about the meaning of that word. I cred even louder. These confusing feelings, Scapegoats, Scott, everything just felt out of hand for me. I felt miserable beyond words.

* * *

I had never been so happy to lie on a bed, partly because my entire body was aching but mostly because Scott lied next to me. His warm hand stroke my damp hair while his other embraced me. His lips were placed upon my forehead, though I would much rather have them on my own. Right now, I wanted someone close to me. The tears pressed up against my eyes as I grabbed the collar of his moist shirt. The fear of my affections for another man returned, but I didn’t care. Maybe because my heart always hammered in Mach speed whenever I was close to him? If this was what “being in love” meant, then Scott was the love of my life. I didn’t care at all. I felt alone, I was freezing. I needed warmth, _I needed him._

I raised my head, looking directly into his dark-brown eyes. For a moment none of us spoke, we just looked at each other. It was I who broke the silence, in a way I never thought I would ever do. I leaned forward, slightly pressing my nose on his. It was so warm.

“Will you kiss me? Please?” I lowly murmured, my face deepened into a crimson. “Sure?” Scott asked as he blushed as well. “Please…” I begged lowly, almost whispering. Without respond he cupped my face, stroking my cheek with his thumb, his brown frowning in sympathy. He leaned forward, pressing his lips towards mine, gently. The heat spread all over my body, I let myself go, running a hand through Scott’s dark hair, it was as silky as I imagined, though I didn’t expect it to be this curly.

Scott’s hand moved from my face and to my waist, while he moved on top of me, growing slightly more aggressive in his kisses. I felt like falling into a pink haze, completely submitted to him. I could feel his warm tongue slipping into my mouth, his salvia tasted sweet. We were so lost in each other’s kisses that everything outside this room felt like it never existed. Hell’s Kitchen, Mike. All of it was gone at least for now. His hand caressed my moist skin under his jacket. At last when we both felt satisfied, we abruptly pulled away from each other to catch some breath. 

He rested his head next to mine. His cheek was warm. I felt the exhaustion of the day catch up with me, I wrapped my arms around him as I closed my eyes. I could hear his heavy breath against mine….

“Thank you…” I slowly whispered as I let the sleepiness overtake me.

* * *

SCOTT POV

He had fallen asleep, his light snoring was the evidence. I turned around, so he lied on top of me. I had fallen for him in an unexpected way. I knew it was wrong to even think like that, especially in my case, but I could not help it. There was something that drew me towards him and it could not just only be his appearance. Sure I found him cute, but that was more to him like that. I felt something daring by being with him. Was it because he was male? Because of the role as a scapegoat? As I stroke those brown locks of his, I began to feel a sudden anger towards Chef Ramsay. _How can you live with this? How could you allow this to happen?_

* * *

Closing the door as silently as possible, I went downstairs to dinner service. Tommy was still understandably sleeping. In the kitchen I was greeted by an overly worried Jason “Dude, where the hell have you been? And where’s your chef jacket? And where’s Tommy?” he placed his large hands on my shoulders. My only response was a painful stare at Mike, which provided Jason the answer he feared. We walked silently to my station.

“Those sick assholes!” he hissed in a loud whisper before he walked away. 

* * *

Dinner service went smoothly, for us unfortunately. I hoped we would have messed up so badly that I could send Mike home, after all he was the worst of us all. Bev and Amanda went home this week, shortening the number of chefs further. As we went upstairs, everyone was cheering and smiling, satisfied by their performance.

However their cheer died abruptly when they saw Tommy sitting in one of the couches, sleeping soundly. He had pulled up his legs under his chin. He still wore my chef jacket, which was dry now. Underneath he luckily had dressed himself. On the table was a half-eaten apple

“Tommy, I brought some coffee,” Elise stepped in from the girls’ side of the dorm with two cups of warm liquid in her hand, not noticing the mass of men starring at her. “Oh.” Was her dry yet surprised response as she saw all of us looking at her. She repeated the same gesture as she discovered that Tommy was asleep. The black-haired put the cup on the table before she sat down beside the resting brunette. She said nothing more, just drinking her coffee while crossing her legs.

“What are _you_ doing here? This is the men’s domain!” Mike glared at her.

“I’m allowed to be here too, y’know.” She quietly responded, not even bothering looking at him.

_Don’t think you’re better than me._

 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

“I don’t think you have the right to talk back to me. After all we kicked your fucking asses tonight.” Mike teased, sinisterly, he walked up to the couch. “Oh, yeah? Well based on everything up until now, I’m a much better chef than you!” Elise almost slammed the cup upon the table, her voice began to rise. “So don’t talk shit to people who are better than you, because I’m gonna fight back!”

I looked at Mike, who appeared to be relishing in aggravating her like this. _Dammit._ I tried to walk in between them.

“Guys, someone is sleepi-“ I didn’t even finish my sentence, before Mike fired the shots again. “Apparently you didn’t fight hard enough since your teammates voted for you, despite the fact you can’t be eliminated. Perhaps they were tired of that big mouth of yours, you can’t back up!“

“Say that again and I will plant this mug in your fucking face! Fatass!” Elise jumped up like a lioness, holding the cup as if it was some sort of weapon. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! No one’s gonna plant anything!” Anton jumped in, pushing me aside as he stood with both of his arms stretched out in order to hold the two brawlers off each other’s throats. He turned angrily at Mike “Shut the fuck up!” he lowly snarled.

“Why? The bitch asked for it! She should know her place!” Mike ignored Anton’s command.

Without any warning, a white mug flew right past the scruffy voiced man and right into the face of the brunette. Hot dark liquid splashed all over his face as Mike screamed in a loud mixture of pain and anger. He stumbled backwards, his hands covering most of his face. “Bitch! Fucking bitch!” he yelled in agony.

“You asked for that yourself! Don’t call me a bitch and expect to go unharmed afterwards!” Triumphantly and angry at the same time, Elise put her hands on her side, raising her head in that condescending manner of hers.

“Mmm… what’s going on?” a familiar drowsy voice came from the couch. As he opened his eyes, the scenario answered his question. He wordlessly stood up, continuously glancing at Mike and Elise, and me. Everyone else ignored him.

Paul jumped to the rescue, with a cloth and cold water. He made Mike sit down before he cleaned his face. “Why the hell did you do that? What the fuck is wrong with you?!” All the other men expressed concern for the fallen brunette as they all glared at Elise. “We gotta carry him to the medic.” Some said, “No way, someone support him!” someone else responded. “Oh my God, what an insane bitch! Is she out of her fucking mind?” they all resented her.

Will instead walked over to her “I think, you should go to the girls’ dorm instead. Don’t worry about Tommy, we’ll take care of him.” The young woman widened her eyes in remembrance, as she turned around. There was a strange silence between them as the two of them stared at each other. I could only see Tommy’s surprised face.

“Good morning. I brought some coffee. Drink it while it’s still hot.” Her voice was strangely off-key in comparison to her otherwise overconfident self. She quickly walked up to him, patting his head and leaving as quickly as she threw that mug. The other men had already run off with Mike to the infirmary except for Jason, Will and I. Tommy blushed a little as he traced the path of Elise’s hand on his hair.  He smiled as widely as a little child who had just been praised by his mother. Many times Tommy expressed a certain attractive innocence like children did. It almost wondered me if he was aware of it or it had something to do with the way he had been raised. As it suddenly hit him we all looked at him, he jumped flea, startled and flustered. “No-no-no! It’s not what you think!” his face flared up in a deep crimson. He wailed his arms frantically. The brown locks enclosed his face, but underneath I caught a glimpse of a pair of apologetic light-blue eyes. _It was nothing…._

* * *

“Here. Thanks by the way.” Tommy blushed as he handed me the jacket. He quickly sat down on the couch again, silently looking around in search of answers. I sat down next to him. “What happened?” he yawned, almost resting his head on my shoulder before it hit him that we were not alone. “Mike talked shit to Elise, who got pissed and threw a cup of coffee in his face.” Jason tried not to smile but failed. Will was the only stone-faced of us all, as it was incredibly hard to feel sorry for Mike, considering what a jerk he was.

“Oh… here~” Tommy giggled as he imagined the scenario, it was no secret that he took pleasure Mike’s pain, right now. He turned and smiled at me, before he stood up and said “I’ll think I go to bed.” I

Will turned his cool gaze on the brunette, locking him in place “Where were you?”

The question completely startled him “Eh, about that… I didn’t feel too well.” His voice deepened by past trauma. I think Will saw it too as he decided to let it go. Tommy quickly stormed into The Vault.

“I’m gonna go downstairs and take a look at Mike, you guys comin’?” Will asked in his heavy Jersey accent. “I’ll stay.” No way, I would pity Mike, it did not please me see him in pained, but he deserved it. Jason stood up, “Nah, I’m gonna call it a day.” He walked to one of the bedrooms, scratching his beard.

Right now I was all alone in the living room. I could hear Elise’s angry voice from the other side of the room, complaining about Mike. The door to The Vault opened slightly, as a head of brown hair peeped out. “Scott, come here for a sec.” Tommy whispered from the doorway.

* * *

He pressed his body against mine. “Who would have thought Elise would react like that.” His breath was heavy as he searched for my lips. He grinned lightly. “Mmmh. Crazy shit.” I mumbled, kissing him deeply. Tommy was really surprisingly experienced, his tongue eagerly slipped around mine, his salvia was bitter from the coffee, but it tasted nice.

“Mmmh… does it still hurt?” my hand slowly traveled to his behind, gently stroking the buttock. _Wrong move._ With the speed of lightning, Tommy pulled away. His body was shaking and his wide blue eyes widened with fright. He covered his arms. “It hurts a lot… sorry” he whispered. It really did, I should have known better.

* * *

TOMMY POV

I couldn’t do it. Not after what happened with Mike. I just couldn’t. Scott looked at me with such worry and a choking sense of guilt that choked me from the inside. “Sorry.” I repeated. He smiled with worry, wrapping his arms around me. “It’s ok.”

His warm arms swelled all kinds of emotion up in me. Despair, sadness, happiness, fear, anger. I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks as I pressed my face into his shoulder. It hurt too much, I couldn’t even sit down normally. But nothing compared to the pain inside. It crucified my soul over and over again. Scott tightened his embrace.

“It hurts!” I whimpered in his shoulders.  I was afraid, I was so horribly scared. I felt betrayed by my own fate, deeply cursing it to the fiery pits of Hell and beyond. “Dammit! Why me?” My fist clenched Scott’s t-shirt. Fate hated me sometimes and this time it wanted me to suffer. I hated it all. I hated my life more than anything at times like these. _Dammit!! FUCKING SHIT!_

_Life’s a bitch._

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

There was once a time where I could laugh at anything, even if it was for the most impropriate thing or unfitting moments. It felt like centuries since I had a good laugh, and I missed it horribly. We lost the challenge again, but Mike lost his chance of beating me up as Jason and Scott occupied my time, talking about random things like family and pork tacos.

My sense of humor returned when Elise was back in the dorms and Jason had his first fully conversation with her.

“I love king of the hill!” Elise laughed loudly as she wailed his arms, forgetting she had a glass of soda. She stood up, trying to make an exaggerated British accent. “I am the queen of the hill!” she pretended to wave a fan, chuckling jokingly as Queen Elizabeth herself. I didn’t know if she was rubbing the women’s victory on our faces or if she was playing around but eventually she made Jason laugh wholeheartedly.

“And you will all kneel! Muwhahaha!” he added, acting like a cheesy supervillain. Elise almost dropped her glass as she fell down in the armchair, laughing loudly. Even I couldn’t help chuckling. “Seriously…” my chuckling turned to laugher and for a few minutes, we all four sat with tears down our cheeks as we ridiculing our own cheesiness.

“I gotta hand it to ya, Elise. You are a really good cook. I kinda understand why the other girls spite you like that.” Jason said, smiling widely. Elise raised her head “Them bitches are just jealous! I’m gonna win this!” she smirked smugly, sipping to the soda.

“Not so fast. First you gonna pass me!” The redhead stood up. Scott joined him, “Let’s make a pact”. He placed his before us. “Us. We are gonna make it to the finals. Are you with ne?” Elise smiled sincerely again, placing her hand over Scott’s. “Cool.”.  Jason, overly eager placed his hand too.  They all looked at me, expecting an answer. Scott’s eyes gently invited me “ _Don’t worry”._ I did not expect myself to win, to be honest, but nonetheless I partook in the pact, just not to look like an ass.

“Ok.” I said. And then the birth of the secret JETS was created, only known by the four members. It kinda found me odd that four people competing against each other decided to share a form of comradeship but regardless it happened. I caught myself snickering with anticipation.   

* * *

Elise and Jason had returned to their rooms, leaving Scott and I alone. I sat silently as I looked at him. It took me more than enough courage to ask him.

“Scott. Are we faggots?” I regretted saying that the minute I did so.

The question completely baffled him. “What? No! Mike said that, didn’t he? Such an asshole!” I didn’t know if I was satisfied by the answer or amused with how unexpected Scott flared up, it reminded me of myself when I first met him. Nonetheless I rested my hand upon his, twirling my fingers into his.

Mike was an asshole.

* * *

Dinner service went very smoothly, so smooth that no one had to be put up for elimination. And for once Mike didn’t want anything to do with me. And to top things off, this was my greatest service ever. I couldn’t help smiling widely at this evening. Everyone let loose ad took some alcohol to relieve themselves, even Carrie and Brendan got a little _too_ cozy together, much to Elise’s dismay.

For once I felt fully relaxed.   

As the clock passed midnight, the people showed no signs of settling down, some of them even drunk. I, on the other hand only stuck to water, the refreshing tasteless liquid cooled my throat pleasantly. Scott sat next to me, having a chitchat with Kaisha, who sounded just as southern as Jonathan…

* * *

I felt in need for some fresh air so I wordlessly wandered out on the balcony. The night wind brushed the humid feeling of me, playing with my hair. The sky was cloudy, yet there was stars to be seen. I was quite glad to see everyone loosen up, yet it disappointed me that Mike wasn’t sent home yet…

“Hi.” A familiar Tennessean voice greeted me, nervously. I was not surprised at all of who I saw, instead I felt slightly aggravated. Jonathan smiled weakly, he looked awfully pale in the dim light from the lounge. He didn’t move, in fact he stood completely still like a stature, the only part moving was his mouth. “So eh… the sky’s sure is pretty tonight.”

I didn’t believe him. His words were forced and contrived like was he reading a line in a play. I didn’t answer him. Instead I looked away. _Please leave me alone…_ It was more than obvious that the sight of him made me angry, let alone his mere presence. He tried again. “I, uh, I know you’re kinda angry with what… Mike did an’ all.” His voice lowered into a deep murmur. “And I aint no better. But really, I want to apologize for it. Sorry.” I could see through the dim that he ran a hand through his hair in, there was a heavy shade of guilt in his face. Could I forgive him? I decided to do so _only_ because I didn’t have the heart to do otherwise.

“It’s ok.” I answered dryly, deeply hoping that he would take the hint and go away. I was not in a good mood now, though I could clearly understand why he was like this. Jonathan wasn’t entirely evil, I supposed. Just a moron, “Really? Are you sure?” He sounded overjoyed, failing to keep his surprised eagerness down. “I wouldn’t say so if I didn’t mean it.” I lowly snarled at him. Snarling wasn’t like my style, yet this anger I felt now got the better of me, though if I was in a good mood right now, it wouldn’t have changed the fact that I was still very angry with him.

Jonathan smiled again, “Thanks.” He lowly mumbled, before stepping inside, almost bumping into Scott. The dark-haired looked a bit before he stepped out to me. I felt my emotions growing less grim by the sight of him. He gave me a questioning gaze before I explained it all.

“I don’t think he’s trustworthy though…” Scott pondered lowly, looking at the stars.

“Well, I can’t just let him hanging there. I’m not a monster.” _That tittle is reserved for a certain someone._

“Guess that’s a good point.” He stepped closer to me, wrapping an arm over my shoulder, before turning me to face him. I couldn’t help it, my heart began to beat faster and that icy aura around me melted by the warmth in his eyes. His hand stroke my cheek, surprisingly he was blushing, profusely even as he grinned lightly.

“You did well tonight. I feel like giving you reward.” He kissed my cheek, wrapping his arms around me tightly. _A reward?_ Disappointed, I scolded him with my gaze. I felt gleeful for once, and my bottom had fully healed. I had wanted him for a while, yet past trauma didn’t wipe away its traces that easily. Scott smiled, assuring me that he had _special_ plans for tonight.

_That’s not all. Trust me._

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy and Scott have a little fun in The Vault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut, smut, smut, smut...

Not a soul could be seen in the living room, as they were all at the hot tubs, evident by loud cheering. So it was pretty easy getting unnoticed to the Vault.  

* * *

I had barely locked the door, before Scott was over me like a hungry hawk. He pressed me against the door, kissing me deeply. His hands were placed firmly on my hips, pressing his lower body against mine. My tongue searched for his, as I wrapped my arms around his neck. We stood there, completely occupied with kissing and sucking before we pulled back, catching our breaths. I was surprised of how intense it had been. We always tasted each other whenever we kissed but never something quite like this. I knew what this meant… _Scott…_

“Is it all right?” He panted in a whisper, moving his hand to my buttock. “… It’s fine.” I murmured, my face blushed by his hand. I was a little afraid, but I wanted to go on. The fear of my affection for Scott had died down, through it tried to rear its ugly head, down in the void where it belonged. It didn’t matter anymore, I wanted this. Fuck sexual orientation! Let him take me all way to the moon and back. Lust had never had such a massive impact on me as now. I couldn’t help but whimper as the blood pumped to my groin. Everything beside this room seemed so strange and unfamiliar, like it never existed.  Scott smiled, before pulling me to the edge of the bed, pushing me down on the soft fabric, with a gentle move.

“You’re so cute…” he purred lowly.

He opened my chef jacket, sliding a hand underneath my t-shirt, caressing the skin. He pulled my shirt off, revealing my bare chest. He kissed my neck repeatedly, especially on my tattoos, nibbling and sucking on the colored skin. I moaned lowly, shivers ran down my spine in pleasure. His palm traveled from by chest to my belly and directly down to my waistline. My crotch was burning, I could clearly feel the throbbing against that prison otherwise known as pants. My hands ran through his curls, as he traveled from my neck to my chest, sucking teasingly on my nipple to hardened buds. His tongue traveled down my chest, to my bellybutton, sucking on the tattooed rose above.

“Ah?” I groaned in a mixture of pleasure and surprise. Scott, that daring bastard he was, slipped without notice a hand underneath my pants, touching my erection. I let out a helpless moan as a wave of ecstasy washed over me. I spread my legs, indicating that I wanted him more. I really did. I could her him lowly chuckle. My member twitched by the touch of his cool fingers, as he teasingly and slowly ran down the shaft. The gentle touch felt like electric sparks, throwing me in a place of agonizing longing. “Perhaps I should be nice to you.” He whispered as he raised himself up, and smiled at me. “Tommy, what do you want me to do?” he purred lowly.

My mind was clouded and my body was a hot mess. “I want-touch-more…!” I panted in a horribly incoherent ramble of a sentence.

“Ok. As you wish.” He grabbed the shaft firmly, slowly stroking me, while his other hand found its way to my chest and played with my hardened nipples.

“Ah… Scott…!” He stroke faster, making me reach climax before I knew it. My stomach twisted in an overwhelming way as I felt an overwhelmingly pleasurable release from my crotch. He pulled his hand out, showing the white, thick semen on his fingers. I blushed profusely at the sight of it. _Oh God, it’s been too long since I’ve had an orgasm, this good…_

“So-sorry…” I stammered, flustered. He sent me a devious smile, “It felt good, right?” he reached out for some tissue to wipe his hands. “You want to go on?”

 _Abso-fucking-lutely!_ I spread my legs further, closing my eyes. Who would have guessed that Tommy Stevens of all people would have been so shamelessly slutty. My throat was dry, making it hard for me to speak clearly. “I. Want. You…”

“Oh my, Tommy. That’s a dirty invitation.” Scott groaned lowly, his voice dripping with lust. It was quite surprising to see him wild like this. He swiftly pulled my pants off, revealing my limp member, covered in cum. I felt embarrassed by his gaze… but at the same time, it turned me on. So much so that I hardened again. Scott face deepened into a crimson as he rather frantically removed his pants, before leaning over me. I could see his own erection, emerging from a forest of dark curls, leaking precum as it was fully pumped and ready to proceed. It looked by all definitions of the word; majestic. My curiosity grew at a dangerous level, as I reached out for it, it twitched in my hands. It fitted perfectly in my palm.

I stroked it slowly, nibbling the crook of his neck. His skin was smooth and soft, making me fasten my pace.  His panting increased while his hand moved from my chest and to my tight. I could feel his moist hand stroking the skin up and down. Suddenly without warning, he pushed me down.

“What are you doing?” I asked in surprised disappointment. ”You’ll get the chance to pay me back later. For now, let me take care of you.” Scott said in a low grunt as he lifted my legs upwards. “After all, this is my reward for you.”

He took some spit on his fingers, before they found their way down my end, rubbing the muscle gently. “Have you ever done this before?” I shook my head, “Not really…” trying to forget my “experience” with Mike. He managed to stick his finger inside me and rubbing gently inside my walls. It gave a weird sensation. First one finger, then two and finally three. It hurt a lot, I grimaced by the pain. “Sorry, it’s stinging.” Scott apologized kissing my forehead before he pulled out of me and guiding his member towards my end. 

He thrust a little forward, pushing the tip on the edge of my entrance and rubbing. He did it again, teasing me, it was as clear as water by the way he smiled at me, taking pleasure driving me to the edge. _Scott, you asshole! I finally got the courage to have sex with you and now you wanna tease me!_ “Please, just fuck me already!” I pleaded in a mixture of horniness and irritation. He had really drawn my patience to the melting point, making it almost impossible for me to keep my cool. _Fuck, I love you too much to be mad at you…!_

Without responding, Scott thrust deeply inside me, all the way in until I felt his balls slapping against me. He was large, very large indeed. It was like he grew inside of me with every passing second. It hurt, quite much actually but the pleasure was overwhelming beyond words. He thrust again, and again, panting increasingly. His faced was flushed in a deep red as he moved forward, groaning an incoherent derivation of my name. His pace was slow and throughout, softly hitting my prostate. It felt unbelievably good, the way he moved inside of me, it drove me crazy.

“Ah…oh… good… it feels… mhmf… good…” I panted in sync with his movements, clenching a fistful of the bedsheets. He hurried his pace, hitting inside of me harder. I threw my head back, moaning louder. Scott’s droplets of sweat fell upon me.

“Oh…! Ah… To-Tommy.” Scott moaned, his boyish voice had toned down into a low groan. 

Outside the room, there was voices, the others was returning. But I didn’t hear them, all I could hear was our heavy panting. Scott leaned down and muted my moans with a deep kiss, sucking and biting desperately to hold this secret lust between the two of us. I wrapped my arms around him, and my legs around his waist, squeezing him lightly. A month ago, I never would have imagined myself having sex this good, let alone with another man. And I never would have thought in a million years that my feelings for another person would grow this strong. Even if I was gay, it didn’t sound so bad, once I had experienced it all. Mike popped up in my mind _“Faggot!”_ I knew what that word meant and I knew it hurt. And even if it did, it wouldn’t change the fact that I was absolutely in love.

* * *

SCOTT POV

He was really beautiful. I’m usually not a fan of tattoos but I found most of his alluring and beautiful. Especially the rose on his stomach. I wanted to kiss all of them, every single inch of colored skin.

It was so tight inside of him, and his moans, heat everything threw me into a wild frenzy of lust. Had we been back in Illinois, I would more than happily explored every single part of his boy and taking my sweet time to work him up. But considering our surroundings, this was for the best. However it seemed that I was doing something right, as his flushed skin suggested. Underneath my tongue, he mumbled something.

“I-lo-loveyo-you…!” he panted heavily, before his entire body twisted wildly and his arms squeezed my head closer. He grunted lowly, as his nails scratched my neck hard, though the pain only added more fuel to my desire. Pleasure and lust swirled so powerfully inside of me, I barely could hold my consciousness. Completely succumbing into my lust, I gave one last, hard thrust before I came. Thick, warm liquid filled Tommy as he went completely limp, panting heavily as he released me from his grip. Unable to hold myself up, I collapsed on top of him. I could feel his warm semen on top of him, mixed with sweat from the both of us.

I sighed heavily, and satisfied. Cupping his face, I waited for his baby blue eyes to open, to which they at last did. “Was it good?” Tommy smiled exhaustedly, enclosing my hand with his “Mmhm. It was.” More than satisfied, I leaned down and sloppily kissed him. The room had grown increasingly hot, dewing the window. After catching my breath, I pulled out of him with a squishy “pop” and rested besides him.

“I’ll stay here tonight, if it’s ok?” the bed was a single bed, quite cramped for two fully grown men, so Tommy decided to lie on top of me. He rested his head on my chest, playing with the hairs there. I had no idea what the clock was by now, but the sex had taken its toll on me, and I was very tired. My hand lied on Tommy’s shoulder, holding him firmly.

“Scott?”

“Yep?”

“It’s the first time, I’ve been together with another guy like this. So I wonder, we are what others would call lovers now? I mean, since we make out and stuff”

“I think so. Our little secret though.” I yawned loudly. 

“Right, I’m not ready to come out either. I’m glad that you became my guardian angel. I uh… I think… no I love you. Really I do.” he whispered, lowly. Very lowly. It was sincere and heartfelt, like was it from the strongest and deepest part of his feelings, he exposed. I felt a strange warmth by his words, though I hated to admit that I felt flattered by his feelings, but I couldn’t accept them, it felt like I was stepping into a minefield.

I said nothing, but pretended to sleep. _No, I can’t._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut, smut. Scott's a jerk.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy and Scott have a rocking good time in the forest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! This chapter does contain some misogynistic moments.

Everyone’s mouths dropped to the ground and below as I stepped outside the bathroom. Tommy was still in the Vault as we had arranged one of us went out first and after a while another would go. I was the first, going to the bathroom to tidy myself up. The idea was mine, in order not to raise any suspicion.

Giggling teasingly, Carrie pointed at the hickey on my neck, which I forgot to cover up. “Who’s the lucky one?” she said in her over sugar-crusted flirtatious self. “Why do you care? You busy banging four dudes all at once, and now you wanna complain because Scott just happens to have a hickey?” Elise snarled at her, leaning forward. But Carrie struck back “Well, with you running your fucking mouth like that, I can only guess you two-“

“Don’t even go there! Unlike you who screws with everything with a penis, I have an established life! I got a husband, a son, a nice place to live. And I’m half your age!” The black-haired countered.

“Bitch please, learn some math! And a family isn’t the solution of all life’s problems!” The blonde now fully stood up, her face was glowing red with anger. Apparently personal issues was Carrie’s sore spot.

“My boobs’ bigger that your boobs. My boobs’ bigger than your small boobies~!” Melanie mocked them in an off-tune song. “Well, they are! Hers like cardboard!” Elise exclaimed, holding her breast to justify the fact. Indeed there were. I felt slightly awkward and was about to go. “Excuse me?” Carrie shouted, with anger. Jennifer then stood up, slamming a hand in the table so hard that the glasses jumped a little. “Ladies, Please! There’s a man in the room, I mind you!” all eyes was turned on me. 

“Look, ladies, I was cleaning some dishes and ended up with some pans falling at me. Nothing serious.” I wailed my arms, trying to ensure nothing “special” had happened, my face grew as bright red as Carrie’s as the moment grew more awkward and embarrassing. I didn’t know if they believed my lame-ass excuse, but they did not question it though. However before they could respond, I stormed off the room. _Holy shit! How the hell is it possible that women can such venomous creatures?! Fuck me!”_

* * *

At the balcony, Tommy stood alone looking at what could be seen of Los Angeles. I stepped behind him, silent and quiet like a shadow. The light wind carried his scent to me and I yeaned for him. Without warning I wrapped my arms around him, kissing the tattoos. There was several hickeys scattered all over his neck. He shivered as I rubbed my hand up and own in his stomach. It had been three weeks since we first had sex and ever since, all our nights grew more intense every time. The black jackets were near and Tommy’s role as the scapegoat was soon gone. But the sooner that day came, the clearer it became that I would have to tell him the truth. In a sting of guilt, I felt choked by the blue eyes looking at me now.  For those eyes, I meant the whole world. A thought that seemed very hard to comprehend. No, it was hard.

“What’s up?” he asked, tilting his head to the side, cupping my face. Only now, it came to me that I frowned thoughtfully. “Ah, nothing… the girls were just fighting again” I lied, half-heartily. My voice was unnaturally grim, which didn’t give him any indication to believe otherwise. “Do you regret…?” his hands slowly moved away from my face.

“No!” I said too eagerly, holding him tighter. “I wouldn’t.” _Would I?_ I had been so loose since our night, that I went all the way, but something within me felt a stinging guilt. It had been wonderful but horrible at the same time, the latter being drowned. And when he admitted his feelings for me, I backed down and didn’t answer.

I’m such a horrible person.   

* * *

 

TOMMY POV

I’m such a pervert.

“You know… I can probably loosen you up, a little if you need it.” I chuckled lowly. Scott starred at me in obscurity. It appeared that I had to go in depth of my words. _Just say blowy, Tommy-boy._ “I own you right? And we got the whole day to… blow some wind.” _My God, was that bad!_ My pun was as lame as always, and they were too obvious. Even Scott could pick it up, as he patted my head. “Ok. Can’t wait to see what you got in mind.” he smirked with teasing knowledge.

* * *

We went out of the entire HK building, while I guided him to the garden that was beneath my window, though I had to admit I had never been here myself. As we went further into the flower field, a small forest of pure oaks stood in our way. The garden itself was rather small, but somehow it managed to have the entire spectrum of the rainbow planted in here, considering the fact we were in the middle of October. It surprised me pleasantly that the flowers had managed to survive this long. The oaks were few, but they were close and large, making a perfect little forest.

We found a spot between a naked bush and two big trees where we both sat down, looking at the brown, crooked leaves at the ground below us. There was luckily no wind, because the weather was already cold enough. I tugged myself close to Scott to get some warmth, stroking his chest. He rested against a large oak, whose low branches enclosed us from above, creating a little shelter.

“It’s a nice place. Baffling why Chef Ramsay doesn’t use this more often.” He stroke my hair, playing with my waves. I nodded in silent response as my other hand found my way to his waistline and beneath. It was no surprise to me that I managed to unbutton his pants with one hand, in truth my fingers were quite flexible. Moving downwards his body, I pulled his boxers away from his limp member. Scott continued to stroke my hair, passionately and groaned lowly as I began to tease the tip.

“For the time, we’re in HK, I think this is a good spot.” I stroke him all the way, up and down before I enclosed my mouth around it. It hardened in my mouth and twitched by the wetness of my tongue. Scott clenched a fistful of my hair, as he moaned lustfully. I began to question whether or not I could take him, but decided to try regardless, and he fitted right perfectly. My hand slipped down, underneath, fondling his balls roughly.

“God… are you sure, I’m your fist guy? You’re too good to be true…!” He panted in a low growl. My response was an “OK” sign with my free hand, as I began sucking hard. I could feel him twitch in my mouth as I licked the sides of his now fully erect cock. The precum began to leak on my tongue, bitter in taste. Once in a while, I glanced up at Scott whose face was bright red in color, his eyes was closed and his lips slightly parted. I sucked him, all the way down to the root, the dark curls tickled my nostrils. His scent was all over me. Scott began to moan louder as I hurried my pace, it turned me on more hearing him like this. His hips began to thrust in rhythm with much force, pressing my head forwards with his hand.

“Ah… holy shit, it feels good…! I-I’m gonna…!” He groaned loudly, unable to hold on for much longer. He threw his head back into the trunk of the tree, with a large thump. “Ouch! Son of a bitch!” he growled. Nonetheless, he came in my mouth with one last jerk, before releasing my head.  Slowly, I raised myself, making sure every drop of semen was taken with me. Soon I sat before him, feeling a trail of white cum on my chin. It was bitter, like coffee which Scott drank tons of. And it was arousing in its thickness. I spat it out one some dried leaves, the white contrasting strongly against the brown. Scott opened his eyes, holding his hand of the sore part of his head. His face was deeply flushed and swear began to come on his forehead.

“Are you okay?” I asked as I tidied him up, buttoning his pants. “I’ll be fine…” he sorely mumbled, before he lightened up a little with a sweet kiss on the cheek from me. “Maybe it would help, I you took my lips instead.” He pouted his lips, in a manner like Elise. “Naah, I would much rather wash my mouth first.” I smirked at him. The bitter taste from the semen still lingered heavily on my taste buds.

“Maybe she just needs to get dirty, a little more often.” A familiar voice suddenly said from somewhere nearby. It was Brendan. “Yeah man, she and her husband probably never has sex anymore now that a fucking kid is in the way.” Chris was with him. “She’s a bitch! Plain and simple, probably into some weird shit like whips and chains.” Carrie was still aggravated by one of her many arguments with Elise. “She’s a scapegoat. You can do whatever the fuck you want to with her? Why let her shit all over you?” That voice sent chills down my spine as I desperately searched for Scott’s hand. Mike.

“The bitch won’t let me! Every time I try one of your ideas, she almost bashes my head in!” Carrie complained loudly.

The four of them were somewhere beyond our point of view, but as their conversation carried on, it became clear for what they were about to do. “All right Carrie!” I finally found the hand and looked at him with frightened eyes. He stroke my cheek, gently. Silent and afraid we sat there.

Soon misogynistic phrases and lines that sounded like something out of a cheesy 80’s porn movie emerged from the three men. “Suck it hard, bitch!”, “Nice ass! Sure Chef would love it.”, “You just love cock, don’t ya?” I began to feel increasingly disgusted by their vulgarity and I began to feel disgusted by Carrie. It reminded me of my time at the infirmary, where Elise mentioned Carrie had slept with both Chris and Brendan. Why would she degrade herself like this?

My answers came in the form of Brendan “Don’t worry, Carrie. You gonna make it to the black jacket with that amazing palette of yours”. _Carrie… are you really that desperate?_

* * *

I couldn’t forget about what happened in the forest, my imagination would not allow me to let it go. Every time I closed my eyes, some disgusting imagery would pop up in my head. I couldn’t even look at the participants anymore, I felt nauseous. And it didn’t help that more rumors about Carrie would emerge among the other women. And Mike began rearing his ugly head. He recently dragged me into the Vault and gave me a shower of mocking punches. I didn’t cry anymore, nor did I whimper. My time was up and it gave me more strength than ever. And it angered him, but I didn’t budge. At last he would just leave me alone. And I could return to cooking, Scott and JETS. In truth I relished in his degraded life as I could only claim myself to be better than him.

* * *

It was time for the black jackets, we were the top ten. Me, Scott, Jason, Elise, Carrie, Mike, Paul, Will, Jennifer, and Kaisha. My role would be abolished, by the moment that jacket embraced my shoulders.

“Congratulations! You have now made it to the black Jackets. Elise, Tommy you two are no longer the scapegoats. You can be sent home now, but you will also be able to vote others for elimination.” Chef Ramsay, smiled widely.

However his rare smirk could not compare that that smile that was on my lips. I was finally free of my burden. Mike frowned as deeply as I smiled.

_Freedom at last._

 

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little all-destroying discovery breaks the ice.

It was the first individual challenge and Elise won. She smiled with confidence, even when she was told she could bring someone along with her. “Scott.” She initially decided. The dark eyes smiled “Thanks.” Before he turned around and gave me an ensuring look. I couldn’t bring myself to be mad or even in the slightest jealous. Elise didn’t know about our relationship and to top it all off, she was married. The two dark haired quickly made way to the dorms. 

“Oh, it really sucks to loose. While Elise and Scott are in San Francisco easting a gorgeous lunch, you are up for a day of hard labor. Today, it’s Hell’s Kitchen steak night and we have lots of fresh meat that has to be carried in and butchered. And you will be prepping both kitchen for tonight’s dinner service.” Chef Ramsay stood in his usual pose, with his arms crossed.  

A loud honk could be heard from outside the dining room. “Ugh… really?” Carrie sighed as the blonde headed outside, purposely dragging her feet. Mike and Paul was already in a heated argument about who carried what. Luckily Chef James managed to pull the two of them apart before Mike could punch anyone. A couple of hours went by as Jennifer and I partook butchering two fourths of raw cow, we had to saw the bones and sear the meat, which Paul and Will were ready to do. After thirty minutes of cow, I grew increasingly disgusted by the smell, it stunk of death and farm. Jennifer smiled gently ”Don’t worry, I’ll take care of the rest.” I waved gratefully to her before I went off to the dorms.

* * *

The phone rang and Kaisha was quick to pick it up. “Hello, this is Kaisha.” She said in all her southern charm. She stood silently, nodding a few times before she hang up and turned to me. “Tommy, Chef told me that you can move outta the Vault now. I guess it must have been very flustrating to live thee alone.” I tried hard not to smirk of her improper speech pattern. She went to the bathroom, leaving me alone in the living room.

It pleased me to no end that I finally could let go of the “special” treatment. I stormed off to the bedroom where Scott and the other guys lived in. It suddenly hit me that for obvious reasons, Scott never invited me to his bedroom. Whenever we met and got intimate, we would always go to the forest or into the Vault. Perhaps for obvious reasons, since no one else knew we were dating. And for the sake of everything, it wasn’t time to know. Yet.

Over the course of the time I had been in Hell’s Kitchen, I came to the realization that I was bisexual. My love for Scott had been proof enough for me to accept that. Back where in Brewster, no one I knew was homophobic. Not even my mother, I suppose. All in all, she would most likely be more than thrilled to find out that I had finally begun a serious relationship again, since it had been at least a decades since I last did so. The only thing bothering me was the distance between Illinois and New York. I wondered about how we were going to date, but at the same time, I felt the anticipation and excitement growing within me.

The bedroom looked like something out of a prestige college, minus the windows. The walls were blue, sharing the same color with the bedcovers. Even the carpet was a darker shade of blue. The room was very neat and clean, expect for one part, where clothes, trash and dirt was scattered all over. Even the bed wasn’t made. Another bed in the other end was as cleans as everything else. A pair of familiar black flip flops was neatly placed beside it. I smiled widely, Scott always wore them whenever he was done taking a bath. I knew that because sometimes I would shower with him. The heat returned to my face as I thought about the last time we did.

As I stepped closer to the bed, I noticed there was a nightstand with some objects on top of it. A golden ring and a picture, laid down on the front. _Odd, I’ve never seen him wear it._ Curious, I took the small ring. Letters were engraved in it. “TIFFANY SOPHIA COMMINGS” a sister, I left it at that. My attention shifted to the picture, as I flipped it up.

...

A woman, held a little boy in her arm, and a little girl held her hand. The two children had the same dark eyes as Scott… who was also present. He had his arm lovingly around the woman, smiling widely. Judging from the background, this was taken in a suburban neighborhood. The picture ticked something within me, as I began to feel my spirit sink deeper. A note was stuck into the frame, and to my shamelessness I picked it up and read it.

“Good luck, honey. Love Tiffany.” A fine handwriting said.                                                                                                                                                                        

“Hi daddy, please win for us. From Gigi and Gavin.” A clumsily written message was written underneath, likely by a child.

I wanted to rip it to pieces, my fist began to clench the paper, desperately fighting the urge to destroy everything on that stupid nightstand. And the urge to punch Scott across the room. The tears began to press my eyes,

* * *

SCOTT POV

I headed upstairs, my spirit was high and encouraged. As I walked through the living room, I noticed that the door to the bedroom was open, widely. Perhaps just one of the other guys taking a nap or something. With no more concerns I stepped inside, saying “Hi” casually to whoever was there. I was met with silence as a sudden chill ran through my entire body, all the way to the bones. Tommy stood, his back turned to me as he held the picture of my family. He was completely silent, and his skin was much paler than healthy.

“Tommy, I... I can-“

“Why didn’t you tell me you were married?” his voice was throaty. I knew I’ve already lost, the heavy suffocating atmosphere forced me to admit that.

“I…”

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me that?!” Tommy shouted, his voice was shaking, as he turned around. His blue eyes were red, and streams of tears ran down his cheeks. He threw the picture on my bed, in anger. He glared at me with reproach and anger, only made worse when I failed to give him an answer. I had already lost. The guilt choked me endlessly, making it impossible to excuse myself. It left me exposed.  

“… Fuck you…!” he snarled at me before he stormed off, bumping into me before slamming the door with such a force. _I’m such an asshole…_ I tried not to cry myself, over my own selfishness.

* * *

TOMMY POV

 _I hate you! I hate you! How could you do something like this? Using me as a fuck buddy!_ I cursed as I stormed off into the Vault, locking the door behind me. I threw myself on the bed, curling up as I finally let go. I screamed loudly into the pillow, tears running endlessly down my face. How could I be so stupid, thinking he actually loved me? _SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!_

What did he need me for, when he already had a wife and two children, did he only see me as a friend with benefits? Was he completely blinded to see that I cared for him more than that? The sorrow choke my throat as I turned my face into the pillow I cried loudly. I wanted to get as far away from here as possible, from Scott, Hell’s Kitchen, everything. And yet, because I couldn’t, I felt cornered beyond words. How I wished I could return to Brewster.

* * *

Dinner service was horrible, to say the least. We didn’t even get one app out, because I was in a daze of negativity and burned all of my risottos, I was sent to cook linguine instead where I burned my hand badly. It didn’t hurt at all. The pain felt so foreign and light to me compared to the stinging needles inside of me that was my broken heart. Even Ramsay’s ramming of me was indifferent to me. “Mister Rock and Roll! Fucking Bozo! Get out of my kitchen!”

At last every single one of us was thrown out of the kitchen, while Chef Ramsay exploded out of anger “Get the fuck out! Idiots!”

* * *

 

“Little shithead over there, didn’t you get enough sleep?” Mike berated me, I ignored him. His words drowned before I ever acknowledged them. “Tommy, wake up please!” Elise commanded, I ignored promptly her. Before they berated me any further I left the room, silent and moody. I went for a little trip in the dorms as my first stop was the hot tubs.

* * *

“C’mon, sweetie. You look so sad” Carrie’s disgustingly flirty voice giggle from one of the tubs, who was she now sleeping with?

I regretted the moment I decided to spy on her and did so. I turned around the corner and saw a topless Carrie, smiling and talking with someone. Scott sat next to her, resting his head in his hands. His face was fixated in a dark frown as he nodded disinterested in her words.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I asked in a surprised mixture of anger, sadness and disgust. They hadn’t notice me at all before I stood before them staring at the scenario before me. Scott’s eyes widened in shock as he failed to convey any words to me. Carrie gaped stupidly at me, before covering herself up.

I didn’t want to hear them, I didn’t want to see them. I wanted them both to burn. I ran off, barely noticing that I bumped into Mike. He grabbed me by my wrist before shoving me into the wall and out of his way. It didn’t hurt, my eyes did, my throat hurt. But nothing compared to the now growing empty voice in my chest. I couldn’t take it anymore! First me and then Carrie?

Not satisfied by my reaction, Mike grabbed my collar and threw me against the wall. “I’m not a scapegoat… please get the fuck away from me.” was my only dry response. Angry and silent, Mike gave up throwing me on the ground. Pulling me up again by my hair, he punched me hard in the face, busting my lip badly. I began to cry… but not because of him. Satisfied, Mike finally left me alone.

* * *

I was nominated along with Carrie and Mike. The two of them were sent home, much to my disappointed, as I wanted to go home now more than ever. I hated it here!

 

 

 

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

“Tommy, you gotta get back into the game! JETS is gonna fall apart, man!” Jason exclaimed, loudly. “Yeah, you totally bailed on us during dinner service!” Elise backed him up. Right now, the last thing I needed was other people. I couldn’t stand this environment anymore. _Someone, kill me please._

“You know, you seem kind of down. What’s up?” Jason’s hand squeezed my shoulder, before wrapping his arm around it. His warm being, reminded me too much of _him._ I couldn’t help it, the tears began pressing against my eyes, and finally broke free, running in streams down my cheeks. It hurt too much! Elise stared baffled at me “What, did we say something wrong?” the word _wrong_ triggered so many things inside of me, it felt like Chinese fireworks. And with a giant rocket exploding, I broke down, collapsing on the ground as I sobbed hopelessly. My head ached horribly as I emptied it for information, absolutely everything that had happened from the day I stepped in these damn doors.

After my confession, a warm embrace surrounded me with an unknown scent, long black hair tickled my cheeks. Elise’s arms were warm and firm. “I didn’t know that. I’m so sorry for what happened with you.” Her voice was sincere and soft, while Jason stroke my hair, his warm hand made me feel surprisingly safe. I sobbed and whimpered loudly as my nails dug into Elise’s tan skin.

* * *

Sometimes Scott would glance at me, I resisted the urge to look at him. I couldn’t bear his presence around me. The days went by and my spirit had completely gone away, I felt like a soulless zombie, doing daily routines like everyone else, yet I felt absolutely no passion about anything at all. Elise and Jason tried their best to encourage me, but their efforts proved fruitless. The only emotion I would ever feel is whenever I had no choice but to talk to Scott. There was a stinging pain in my heart whenever I had to look at those eyes. Service for me had been so bad lately that Paul threatened to throw me out on the spot. Once in a while, I would rest my head on Jason’s or Elise’s shoulder and cry. It was over between Scott and me, so why was I still sulking like a stereotypical teenage girl? And why did it still hurt so much? _Ugh,_ even thinking about him hurt.

“Tommy, how long for your scallops?” his voice was shaky.

“Two minutes.” I answered as shortly as humanly possible.  It hurt to talk with him. _My scallops are burned…_

* * *

“Tommy, take off your jacket please.” In my trance-like stated, I did as told. But in reality, I tried hard not to smile. _Finally…_ “Your time in Hell’s Kitchen is done.” Chef took my jacket, and instead gave me his hand. “You have been an extraordinary young man, but I don’t feel your passion anymore. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, chef.” I said lowly, shaking his hand. Goodnight Hell’s Kitchen. Goodnight scapegoat. 

* * *

A month had passed since I was in Los Angeles and my life has darkened into an empty routine of mundane daily life and dangerous nighttime. I was surprised at my own sadness, considering that I had such high anticipation to be at home, to be in my own little shitty apartment. But somehow even here I was more sad and depressed than ever. My anger had faded into an emptiness that forced me to do the most mundane things.  At day, I would go to work, everyone looked as strangers to me, alienated and unknown, despite the fact that I’ve known them for a long time. And they knew me, enough to tell that I was below my average pun-crazy self. They would always say stuff like “You’re so quiet.”, “Are you okay? Did Gordon Ramsay bash you too hard?” and “Tommy, won’t you make one of your funny puns? I really miss you doing that.”

Deeply inside of me, I all asked them to shut the fuck up.

My mother lived in Brewster, probably to ensure I didn’t do anything stupid. I was glad she actually wanted something to do with me, as she took the time to invite me over for cake and coffee. Though she baked my favorite cakes, I couldn’t eat them. Actually I couldn’t eat anything, ever since I got back. Food had lost its flavor and felt like gunk in my mouth, which made me only eat whenever it was absolutely called for.

“Honey, you look so thin. Have you lost weight?” mom asked, as she ate that cake herself. “I don’t know, I think.” I asked dryly, resting my head in my hand. “Anyway, how’s Joe?” I asked lowly, yawning loudly, only because it was social custom to ask so. _Ugh, I’m so tired…_ My mom had met Joe by pure coincidence, around the time where I moved out of the house and married him as payback for my dad for being adulterous. The memory suddenly sounded eerily familiar.

My mom, however ended up falling for Joe and they stayed together ever since. “Well, we’re doing pretty fine, we are going to Europe in December.” I wanted to throw up, something I couldn’t stand right now was hearing about other people‘s happiness. But unfortunately people found it only natural to ask about life and bullshit and drag in their own issues into the melting pot. Joe was working now, so I was spared from seeing them kiss and hug each other. _Yay, I guess…_

* * *

I began to sleep more. Much more than what was healthy, but for me, it was like drugs. It gave me an escape from this world, where I wouldn’t have to feel this void eating away at my soul and I became addicted to it. I slept whenever I could, after work, before work, in my own fucking mom’s house. I began to weigh less and less, almost to the point of some of my co-workers forcing me to drink cream, though I would throw it up in the bathrooms.

Today was one of those days. My boss had given the rest of the week off as a result of my lifelessness and the first thing I did was to drag my blanket to the couch and curl up. For once, I turned the TV on. Perhaps I needed something else to listen to than my own miserable snoozing and million cars polluting the Earth. Toady was a very bad timing, Hell’s Kitchen, the finale. _Perfect, fucking good timing._ I wanted to turn it off but didn’t have the strength to do so.

It was Scott VS Jason.    

 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

Jason and Scott had made it into the final two, as they stood before the doors. A tracking shot of Jason’s girlfriend and his mother only to be followed by a familiar woman and two children flashed over the screen. All of their faces were tightened with anticipation. I felt my heart sink deeper into the floor, the more I looked at the screen. The door opened, everyone held their breath…

Scott came through and there was cheers and confetti all over. The two children smiled and ran towards their father as he walked down the stairs, Tiffany ran into his arms, her Barbie-blonde hair swayed all over her face. Scott smiled tiredly, there was heavy, dark bags under his eyes and his hair was more rumpled than ever. He looked like shit, to say the least. “The winner of Hell’s Kitchen is Scott-“ I shut the TV off and fell right asleep… the image of the blonde in his arms had burned itself on my retina, the scenario popped up whenever I closed my eyes. The more I fell into slumber, the more miserable I felt.

* * *

I woke up, still tired but as the clock hit 21:30, I supposed it was only fair to get up. Mostly because it was time for my other hobbies. Downtown nightclubs opened early here, which was enough for me. Without tidying myself up, I staggered into one colorful club, not far away from my apartment. Loud techno music hammered my eardrums as I made way for the bar, sweaty people male and female in all kinds of outfits were dancing clumsily like drunken hippos. Nauseating lights in all colors, projected themselves from everywhere around the place and a thick stench of disgustingly natural body odors and deodorants lingered heavily in the room. I ignored it all as I made way for the bar.

“A stout, please.” My throat was unbearable dry and I was in terrible need of booze. Next to me, some giggling girls sat and filled themselves with shooters, blue in color. They kept glancing at me, whispering and laughed at me as I received my beer.

“Mojito, two of them.” A familiar voice said. I lazily turned my head, purely by reflexes. “Hi, Tommy.” Brendan smiled his smug-smirk at me, as he sipped to the drink before him. “I was visiting some family in New York and wanted to stop by.” He suddenly said as if I had asked him what he was during here. I couldn’t care less. “What brings you here?” he pushed the other drink towards me. “I live here.” Enough said, as I promptly pushed the drink away. I couldn’t stand the taste of sugar water like Mojitos. “No? Too bad. They’re really good.” Brenan pretended to be disappointed. _I don’t care._

“It was quite nice that Scott won, huh?” right then and there, I wanted to throw the sticky drink in his face, followed by a bashing until his face was a unidentifiable mess of glass shards and blood. “Sure.” I gloomily mumbled. “You know what? I’ve heard some rumors about many of the Jersey guys from HK having a come-together party. I thought, if you wanted to join me-“

I’m done with HK!” I bit him off, before storming out of the bar. The cool wind was refreshing as hell as I stood there on the busy street. I wandered aimlessly past other clubs and parties that was only in the stage of blooming. A hand grabbed my shoulder in a sudden rush. Knowing who it was I didn’t even bother to acknowledge them. Hell’s Kitchen was out of my life, after all it had taken so much from me. I regretted the fact that I ever partook in that competition. Every time I saw Gordon Ramsay’s face, I would see Scott. It was unbearable beyond wording.

“Sorry! Tommy, wait! It was just a lie!” Brenan excused himself as he turned me around. I wanted to slap him. “Truth is… I need a place to stay overnight and since you live here…“ I didn’t know if I should be angry at him for lying or disgusted by the thought of another human being in my home, him of all people. Right now, I couldn’t stand humanity.

* * *

I had no idea why I agreed to let Brendan stay at my place. Apparently I couldn’t be too much of an ass, even if I wanted to. I hadn’t cleaned up in a while now, so there was quite some dirt here. Brendan smiled as he searched his suitcase and pulled up a bottle of wine. Throwing my entire being on the couch, I gave him a questioning look. “Just a celebration for you being my hero.” He answered in all his smugness. He sat down next to me with the wine. On top of the bottle were two plastic cups. Quickly he managed too “glasses” of wine. “Cheers~!” he raised his cup. I silently joined the gesture.

After a while Brendan was a little tipsy, he began leaning against me, talking nonsense about his so-unbelievably successful family and how he was destined for greatness, more than Jesus. I didn’t hear any of it. My brain wasn’t recording any of it, not even the part where he pushed me down and undressed me. He kissed and sucked the skin on my neck, moving his hand on my chest. It didn’t feel good, it didn’t feel like anything at all. Until the pain came, when he thrust inside of me. He whispered something to me, I didn’t hear anything. I was only focused of moaning on the right times.

Alcohol always helped me forgetting everything.

* * *

The next morning, Brendan was having a hangover. He clumsily excused himself, before he leaned forward and planted a wet kiss on my cheek. I felt disgusted but was too tired to care. “See ya, sometime Hun!” he said as he headed down the stairs, waving. I wanted to throw up. _Hun? Give me a break! Did you also called Carrie “Sweetheart” when you used her? Fuck all of you!_

* * *

SCOTT POV

Gigi and Gavin were playing as kids nowadays did. Tiffany was in the kitchen, reading the newspaper, waiting for me to cook us lunch. There was total, killing silence in the kitchen. Ever since I’ve won HK, people from the whole neighborhood, even some I didn’t knew came to congratulate me on my victory. However underneath all this praise I found it absolutely lonely. Never before had I ever been so alone. There was only coldness where I should feel warmth and then there was _him._ He wouldn’t leave me, his blue teary eyes, his brown locks, his smile whenever I held him close… I wanted to acknowledge it but I couldn’t admit it… I missed the blue eyed brown curls terribly and for every passing moment I began to feel less for Tiffany and more for Tommy.

Everything looked so grey in a world where colors should be everywhere.

“Tiff, we need to talk.” I said as she placed the paper on the table.

* * *

 

Both children wanted to visit the grandparents so they were sent there for the weekend, leaving Tiff and I alone in the house. My wife, was an analyzer, she knew me better than everyone in the whole world. And she knew when I was depressed. She sat down at the table, leaning forwards.

“So what’s wrong? You seem so down lately, ever since you got back from Hell’s Kitchen.” her question was innocent yet firm and determined as any strong woman should ask. I was silent for a second, before preparing for the storm that would rage over me soon. But it had to be done, I couldn’t live like this anymore, or else I would kill myself.

“Tiff… I need to tell you something.”

 


	14. Chapter 14

There was a loud smack in the kitchen by a hand slamming into the table, Tiffany’s eyes were teary and red. The atmosphere was heavy as lead, pressing down on my shoulders. “How… could you? You cheated on me! With a man! And you deceived him?!” she reproached me. Before I could answer, she stormed out of the kitchen.

* * *

Tiff went out with some friends for dinner, while I was at home eating alone in the living room. When she finally returned, I sat outside in the garden, looking at the various trees and toys scattered all over. I could feel her eyes burning in my back, I thought she expected to me to turn around. Surprisingly she sat down next to me, though with some distance. I took a look at her; her hair was tousled and her eyes red. She had been crying all day long, and she cried right now.

“Tell me, Scott. Why did you engage with this guy eh Tommy?” She whispered, throatily. A question, I never actually had asked myself. I sat in silence, as I wondered about my own motivations. Why did I succumb to his needs?

“Sympathy.” I agreed with myself. Tiff turned her head on me, clearly not satisfied. “Is that all? It’s too vague, you won’t even touch me anymore. Are you gay or are you just feeling sorry for a gay?” I didn’t know if it was reason enough. And I barely could believe it. There was something deeper than pity. I didn’t kiss him back then when he had been beaten up by Mike just because I felt sorry for him. I didn’t take the initiative to sex because I missed my wife’s body. I did it all because it was him. It’s quite hard to identify and categorize human feelings, emotions and actions because we more often than not do things out of heart instead of logic, and heart can’t be analyzed and put into a system. I didn’t want to admit it at first but over the course of Hell’s Kitchen and my time with Tommy, I came to a strange realization; that the more time I spend with him the more it hit me that I…

“I love him.”

A swollen pain suddenly emerged on my cheek from Tiff’s hand. She stood up, hyperventilating through her nostrils “What about me? We have been married for five fucking years!” she snarled. My cheek was burning like lava. There was nothing more spiritually painful than a slap in the face from a woman. Women are venomous creatures like snakes whenever they needed others to suffer. They attack rarely but when they do, they will bite into your soul and rip it apart. But the most painful thing is their poison that spreads through your veins and eat you from the inside. It hit me that Gigi might would end up like that to my worst nightmares. _May she remain a swan for all eternity._

“I’m your wife! You have a family and now you wanna sacrifice it all for some stupid queer?!” she continued to poison me. “Don’t call him that!” I snarled, without thinking. Tiffany looked like she was about to explode, before she suddenly went limp. “I want a divorce. You obviously don’t need me anymore, so why bother.” She mumbled dryly before staggering inside, throwing herself in one of the chairs and hid her face in her hands. With a throaty voice, she stood up and walked upstairs.

“I’ve seen him. I don’t want Gavin to be messed up in the head, so I’m taking the kids with me.” she threw her ring away somewhere.

* * *

Going to work in Nevada was difficult when you had to live in the former family car. In the end, I had to resign. Quite ironic, considering how much I fought for it and the people I fought for had left me. The word of me being unfaithful to Tiff with another man had quickly spread around the neighborhood like fire. My kids couldn’t forgive me for leaving. And the community couldn’t forgive for the reasons I was leaving. But I had to do it. Tiffany sold both our rings, after all they were now sour reminders of a bitter ever after.

* * *

Forests were good places to temporarily escape. And it was the perfect place to put my thoughts together. There was absolutely no space left for anything in the car, since all my clothes and mundane things were stuffed in here. All my furniture from Illinois stood safely in a storage in Nevada. I felt free for once and locked at the same time. I wanted to move on but I couldn’t get into it before I had talked to him. The chance of him refusing to have anything to do with me didn’t come as a shock at all. I was prepare for that, should it be the case. But deep inside, I wanted him to listen to me. I needed to see him again. 

I took up the cheap phone out of my pocket and called the number.

“Hello? Gordon Ramsay speaking.”

“Hi, Ramsay. It’s me, Scott.”

“Oh yes, Scott. How’s everything at Caesar’s Palace?”

I sighed heavily in the phone “It’s fine.” I lied “Look, I need your help, please. Remember a man named Tommy Stevens? Could you tell me his address?”

* * *

TOMMY POV

The whip’s sharp lashes cut through my nerves as daggers. Mike’s frantic panting became a weird mix of lust and sadism. My buttocks burned with pain as he continued to whip me.

“Dirty little slut! You like it rough, huh?”

After thirty minutes of me being tortured, Mike left satisfied. “You’re a good bitch. Scott’s trained you well.” I hated myself for falling into his clutches.

* * *

The leather bands ate away at my wrists and my arms began to hurt. My legs were spread widely as Jonathan was thrusting hard inside of me. He moaned loudly, giving one final thrust before coming inside of me. He rested a little before he pulled out of me, semen flowing with him. Afterwards he released me from my bands “You’re really good, Tommy. I uh, I’m kinda glad we became friends again.” He hugged me tightly, grabbing my ass in the process. “Sure. It was nice.” I answered shortly. He lifted my chin up, before kissing me passionately on the lips.

* * *

I didn’t enjoy any of it. Having sex with random men didn’t mean anything significant to me, it was just a way to make me feel alive. I didn’t care about these people, they could all burn. It was early morning, and I had spent almost the entire night on sex and alcohol. But the void grew larger with every passing moment. Even my mom could feel I was at my absolute worst. And I felt miserable beyond words, I hated to admit it. But I missed the dark curls. And at the same time, I wanted to burn them all. It was scary how despair could last for almost a year.

I found my cellphone and texted Elise and Jason, just not to worry them. In reality, I felt grateful for their support. They knew every single thing that had happened and even though I was a rotting train wreck of pathetic emotions, they didn’t give up on me. But despite it all, they had their own lives to care for. If my problems were a part of their surroundings I doubt, there would be space for much more else. I didn’t want to be a burden, anymore.   

Jonathan left me a bottle of vodka for me, and I had bought myself some sleeping pills. Guess it didn’t matter anymore. No one would miss me, and my mother had my brother to give her grandchildren. Putting a handful of pills in my mouth, I washed it all down with the vodka before staggering to the couch. I didn’t even make it there as I collapsed and fell into a deep, deep much awaited eternal slumber…

 

 

 

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

SCOTT POV                                     

I stormed impatiently up the stairs and before long, I stood outside the door. “THOMAS STEVENS” the sign said. The whole apartment building wasn’t anything high class rather it looked scruffy. Feeling my heart hammering into my chest, I was about to knock on the door… before I discovered it was partly opened. I could only imagine Tommy astonished face, and his rage on me for entering his home without permission. But I needed to talk to him, I couldn’t run away anymore.

A humid smell hit my nostrils as I stepped inside. _When did he clean up last?_ The carpet was dirty and looked like it could need a cleaning’s touch. Otherwise it looked like what I imagined Tommy lived like; foreign vases and posters of rock bands was placed all over. Someone was lying on the floor. _Tommy…!_

* * *

TOMMY POV

Somewhere from afar a voice called my name. I couldn’t recognize the voice, or hearing it what it said. Everything was black.

Something big, filled my mouth wrinkling around before all my muscles twisted and vomit sprouted of my mouth. Feeling my stomach pushing out the pills and vodka out, I twisted my body down on all four. My mind was hazy and foggy as I barfed like a drunken dog. Two arms grabbed my shoulder and shook me, when I was done.  

“What the fuck are you doing?” a light boyish voice scolded, it sounded eerily familiar. My mind was still in a heavy haze as I glanced at the voice. Two dark chocolate eyes stared fiercely into mine. My throat was hoarse and dry. “Water… I complained.

“Tommy…” two hand cupped my face as I suddenly realized who had come to me.

_Scott?_

“What are you…?”

* * *

My mind was a thick cloud fog and my body felt like lead. I lied in the couch, resisting the urge to sleep as Scott brought me a glass of water. I drank it all in one sip, which was much needed. He took a chair from the kitchen and sat before me, his stern face expecting an explanation for my own attempted murder. Looking closer at him, I could see heavy dark bags under his eyes. He hadn’t shaven for a while, since a stubble enclosed his tired face. His hair looked rumpled and greasy like had he stopped bathing.

“Why did you try to kill yourself?” he asked lowly. Mentally pinching myself, I had to accept it really was Scott who sat before me. Immediately I felt an aggravation building up inside of me. “What are you doing here?” I tried to snarl at him, but the exhaustion wouldn’t allow me. “I came to see you. We need to talk.” Scott answered, I wanted to punch him. Ignoring the fact that he suddenly knew where

“Why should we? You got a family to support, right? You got a job as executive chef, so the fuck do you need me for? ” I turned around, barely able to stand the sight of him. Why did he come for me? _I’m not his fucktoy anymore!_ A heavy sigh escaped him, as he lowly mumbled “We’re… divorced.”

In surprise, I turned around, my turn to demand an explanation. “I told Tiffany everything that happened… the thing that pissed her off the most was you… and what I did to you.” He bowed his head. Guilt?

“Why did you sleep with Carrie then?” I slowly rose myself. Scott finally looked at me, I couldn’t help but take pity in him by how ragged he looked. “I… I missed you back then. And I needed something-someone warm to have close. Carrie was not a smart choice. But nothing really happened. She began to strip and I ignored her.” His dark brown eyes had lost their warmth, leaving a chilling shiver all over my body. Actually, his eyes was as cold and dead as a doll’s.

I felt utterly stupid as it suddenly hit me it was a stupid misunderstanding. _Fuck!_

I sighed “Sorry, I thought you…” I shook off my own guilt.

“Why did you sleep with me? If you were married and stuff.” That question stung the most, as I felt the pain from my discovery yank inside of me. My voice was became throaty. “Pity?” it could only be the most logical explanation. After all, I was the others’ chew toy. Some of them abused me, especially Mike. Maybe Scott was no different. Perhaps when I indirectly admitted my feelings for him, he just felt sorry for me and got jammed up in my mess and now his wife has left him.

“Partly, yes. But I also at the time… grew fond of you. I had a hard time believing that, because of my family and my life outside Hell’s Kitchen. I thought my feelings back then was a phase, and if I broke up with you as soon as possible… maybe it would pass by. But then you beat me and did it yourself, so I thought that was that.”

He clenched his fists, to his knuckles were white while he tried steadfastly to look me in the eye. His voice was very hoarse. “But I couldn’t forget you. I mean, it felt like torture the more I tried to forget it all. Your face… it popped up everywhere, even when I was supposed to kiss with Tiff, I would see you instead of her. So here I am.” The aggravation somehow began to fade by the word _fond_. _Did he really liked me the whole time?_ In my current state, I found it hard to believe but nonetheless I couldn’t help but warm up. A little.

“Now tell me why did you try to commit suicide?” His voice grew a little louder as his gaze shifted from dead doll eyes to containing some human emotion. I pulled my legs up under my chin. “I felt miserable. Nothing really made me happy anymore.” I supposed it was only fair to expose all my cards. “People try to drink their misery away and others does it with sex. I did both and it didn’t help. So here I was, swallowing half a bottle of pills and as much vodka I could drink.” Scott’s eyes widened as he gaped at me in disbelief. I answered his unspoken question. “Yeah, I screwed around with many for a long time, even others from HK. I wanted to feel alive by hurting myself. But it didn’t help at all. For every person I was with, the more dead I felt.” He gave me a scolding look. “I don’t cut myself and I’ve never taken drugs. So don’t look at me like that!” I scolded back, witnessing his expression soften up, before he stood up and walked to the couch, only to sit next to me. I now saw his wedding ring was gone.

“I’m sorry for everything, I did. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but value yourself some more.  I don’t want to see you like this. ” he was about to stand up “I’m glad I got to talk to you. At least, I accomplished that.”

“Stop…” I bit him off. Why would he say that? It was him, who was the reason I ended up like this! I wanted him more than anything in my life and now when he had come back, he talked like he was going to leave me behind. Right now, I wanted to punch him more than anything! _Such a selfish asshole!_

“Don’t you dare leave me behind again. I can’t get over this if you’re not with me!” I felt the tears pressing me eyes, as they would whenever I saw his face. Scott looked at me, baffled “Tommy, I didn’t-“

“I won’t forgive you, if you leave again! Never…! Selfish asshole!” the tears ran down my cheeks as I squeezed my arms around my legs. I sounded like a toddler, and I suddenly felt guilty. He had sacrificed his very motivation for coming To LA in exchange for me and here I was, scolding him like a six year old child. And yet was he the domino piece that set it all in motion. Somewhere deep within me admired him for his will to pick up the pieces and put back together.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’ll forgive you.” I whispered in all my teary eyed self. _After all, I still love you._

Scott’s tired eyes widened as he stepped backwards and sat down in the couch. Small tears began to emerge in his eyes. I placed a hand on his head, patting him and the tears ran down his face in streams. I embraced him, finally feeling his being in my arms, I couldn’t help but cry myself. My longing for him had been covered by misery in such a long time, it came back tenfold when it finally emerged.

“I love you…” I whispered. Three words, I wanted to say to him from the day I met him. My breath was really bad, so I didn’t dare to kiss him.

“I love you too…” he lowly whimpered into the crook of my neck.

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

My apartment was a mess. Really. And I was very tired, so much so that I fell asleep on the couch while Scott cleaned up. I could see that he enjoyed cleanliness as he was very painstaking with his current occupation.    

When I woke up, everything was shining like diamonds. There was a heavy lingering smell of cleaning supplies all over the apartment. Before long, Scott sat on the couch, as he reluctantly stroke my hair. “You don’t mind if I stay here for a while, do you?” he lowly murmured, “Not at all. But what about Caesar’s Palace? It’s half across the whole country.” I took his hand squeezing it lightly. Small hairs had begun to grown on the back of his hand. He had really sunken because of me, something within me poked the growing guilt.

“I quit. It’s hard to keep a job in Nevada when you live in a car. So I gave it to Jason.” He leaned forward kissing my forehead. Not surprising given his circumstances. He stood up, smiling “I’m going to cook something up for us.”  

* * *

 

Sniffing in Scott’s cooking suddenly made my stomach growl loudly, and it suddenly hit me how hungry I was. He brought two plates to the kitchen table, as I headed there as well. We ate in silence but the atmosphere was surprisingly pleasant, I ate more than I ever had done before. Even Scott gaped in awe as I stuffed my face, with his delicious food. “Someone’s hungry.” He smirked, I nodded with my cheeks full of food.

After dinner, I helped Scott with the dishes. Once in a while he grazed my hand while grabbing the soap or a dirty plate, smiling at me with a tease.

“You’re doing this on purpose!” I scolded, looking through his defenses. In response he kissed my cheek “Couldn’t help it. I’ve missed you.” wrapping his arms around me.

* * *

I managed to take a bath, embracing the warm touch of the water. It refreshed me and warmed my body. After a while, I stepped out of the shower cabinet, wrapping myself in a towel and heading for the sink to brush my teeth. Afterwards I found my night-hoodie, lightly tossed on the tiles.  

Scott sat in the couch, he had made some coffee as evident by the cups on the sofa table. He waved me over as he saw me. I noticed sugar and milk was on the table too. _Had he been shopping while I slept?_ I sat down next to him, taking the mug and began sipping the warm liquid. We sat together, tugging closely under my blanket. Stroking my side, Scott muffled in my hair, sniffing in the scent of shampoo.

The moment grew hot as I looked upward and pressed my lips against his, sloppily. I was tired and exhausted but unable to help myself keeping my hands away. I wrapped my arms around his neck, sticking my tongue inside his mouth, relishing in his taste and just how much I missed him. Scott broke the kiss to catch his breath. His hand was still on my waist. In pure silence, we looked at each other, sky blue meeting dark brown. It suddenly hit me, how much I had longed for being lost in those dark eyes. I placed a hand on his face, stroking the stubby jawline with my thumb, before leaning over and kissing him again. He gently pushed me down, slipping his warm hand under my shirt. Only wearing a hoodie and a pair of boxers, it was easy for me to get undressed. My body heat suddenly increased as it became apparent that I’ve subconsciously craved him so fucking badly in all this time.  

* * *

SCOTT POV

I easily felt his ribs easily under his skin, actually he had lost a worrying amount of weight. “You’re so thin. Good, thing I’m here to fat you up.” I couldn’t help but chuckle under our kisses. “Mmm, so are you gonna eat me afterwards?” he deflected teasingly. “Yeah, I’m gonna take you inside out.” I smiled. He had no idea what I really meant before I went down on him, letting my hands travel all over his body, toying with his colorful tattoos. Tommy whimpered under my touch, moaning lowly. Before long, I pulled down his boxers, stroking his half-erection. Taking it in my mouth, I took his full length. Tommy shrieked a little as he ran a hand through my hair. Sucking him and teasingly nibbling the tip, it turned me on more than anything to see him squirm and moan under. I sucked faster, hungrily licking the precum as his cock twitched with my every move. He tasted sweet and arousing with the scent of his clean skin, hitting my nostrils. My hands moved to his buttocks and grabbed them hard, making him twitch in pleasure.

“It… it feels good…! Ah fuck…!” he moaned loudly before coming inside my mouth. Reaching for one of the mugs, while carefully making sure the bitter semen wouldn’t spill on the black material of the couch. I took a mug and spit the remaining semen into the little drop of coffee, making a weird cream-colored mixture. Panting heavily, Tommy lied with his legs spread apart, his brown waves layered over his flushed face. He mumbled something under his catchy breath.

“The bedroom… carry me there… can’t walk… too horny…” he whispered lowly with a devious chuckle. His pleas triggered something within me, making me grab him and carry him into the bedroom. Eager like a child, he wrapped his arms around my neck and kiss me on the cheek.

Lying him on the bed, I was on top of him. Kissing and biting his neck, my hands massaged his tight as he moaned loudly, leaning to my hands. “I’ve missed you…” he whimpered before pulling me into a deep kiss. Suddenly he rolled on my back, making him lying on top of me. His hand slipped under my shirt, playing with the curly chest hair.

Tommy’s other hand traveled to my waistline, stroking my jeans’ crotch area. I could see it pleased him as I slowly pushed towards his touch and groaned lowly. He unzipped my pants and pulled out my erection, stroking me gently. “Oh? What do you got in store for me?” I groaned as I pushed against his rhythm.

Without answering, he sat up, leaning himself toward the drawer and pulled out some lube and a condom. “For safety reasons.” He opened the package and gave me the rubber on before applying some lube on himself. With a small smirk on his face, he moved on top of me, taking my entire length. I grabbed his hand, intertwining my fingers in his. As I lied down, I could see his entire naked being in front of me, the colored skin in all its beauty He moved gently moaning as his cock erected fully. The lube added a good sensation, making the experience much smoother. I grabbed his hips and pushed my own against him. “Oh god… Scott!” he moaned lowly, the brown lock were layered all over his flushed face, almost hiding the blue eyes. Precum leaked from him on my stomach as he hurried his pace moaning louder for every passing moment. His upper torso began to match his face in color, luring me to raise myself and embrace him. I could feel our sweats blending as we wrapped our arms around each other. I began to nibble and suck on his collarbone making him whimper with immense pleasure as he tilted his head to the side. With a loud groan, I finally came inside of the condom and Tommy came on my stomach, making us both collapse on my back. I searched for his forehead with my hand, brushing a lock away. I kissed him on his forehead as he squeezed my hand. With a heavy sigh, he snuggled into the crook of my neck. After a little rest, he lifted his lower body, pulling me outside of him. Tommy sat up, with a chummy smile on his face as he pulled the condom off, tied a knot on the rubber and threw it in a garbage bin near the bed. It suddenly hit my mind as I imagined all of the other guys who he had slept with, though with our round it seemed like he had been depraved of good sex for a while. It made me more than happy to know I was the one who satisfied him the best.

Happy and satisfied, I reached out for him, stroking the rose above his navel. It seemed to tickle him as a chuckle escaped his lips. “St-stop it! It tickles…!” he teasingly slapped my hand away before lying down next to me. “I’m too tired for that…” a sincere but tired smile appeared on his face.

“Then you owe me a round of tickle fight.” I moved closer to the blue eyes before me, whispering lowly. _Those blue eyes, I can’t believe how long I’ve yearned look directly into them again._ We ended up cuddling in bed. Luckily it was a double bed, he owned so there was room for both of us. We wrapped our arms around each other, lying and listening to the relaxed breathing of someone close. Tommy closed his eyes, and fell asleep with the blink of an eye. Even I was tired as hell, and lying to your lover in their sleep didn’t help much. Resting in a bed was something I had missed for a long time, especially with someone dear to me. Soon I fell into a much wanted slumber, the last image to appear in my mind was the peaceful face of a certain brunette’s sleeping face.

_It feels good to be in love._

 

 

 


	17. Epologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A letter from Tommy to his old folks at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little something I did while waiting for the exams to kick in. I hoped you enjoyed it.

_Dear Mon and Joe_

_You’ve both meet Scott. And the three of you gets along very well. It makes me glad to see that you had no objections about me dating a man. And the issue with grandchildren? We’ll ask the stork._

_I’m writing to you from London in England. It’s quite fancy here, but I shouldn’t tell you that, after all you guys most likely know Europe in and out._

_I remember the surprised faces you had when I’ve told you everything that had happened, mom; you began to cry on behalf of me. It’s not like you to do so, but at the same time it felt somehow relieving to see you care so much. You even cried for Scott. You’re the best, sweetest mother anyone could have. And I love you everywhere on this planet. The same goes for you, Joe. You’re like the father I never had. It makes me wanna cal you "pops"._

_When I sit and think back about everything that happened, I sometimes feel overwhelmed. And ashamed. I was able to stand my ground in the face of assholes like Mike, something I really never had been able to do before. And yet, I shattered like crushed cookies and crumbled even more when I’ve could have stayed strong. Scott tells me, it was his fault but I have a hard time believing that. I’m not perfect, never had been and never will be. I was too impulsive to jump into his arms and demand more of him than intended. Who would have guessed I could be so selfish?_

_But I’m happy that it all happened. After all life has its pros and cons and without them the world would be an ungodly boring place. And the biggest pros was that I found happiness in the darkest of times. I got two best friends and someone I love dearly. You can call us lovebirds._

_And today is extra special. There’s a diamond ring on my finger, with his name engraved in it. “SCOTT COMMINGS” it says, couldn’t help it. Had to write it down. It’s placed on my middle finger, the one with the “C”, perhaps it stands for “cherish”._

_I cherish my life and the people within it. In one year, I’ve learned how to live again. It’s scary, right? I still haven’t figured out how my life could break down like that. I know why and I know when but I can’t explain how. Normally I’ve would have moved on but for some reason, I couldn’t this time. It’s scary, how strong and yet fragile the human mind really is. We can withstand the most amazing this but if we break down, we become fragile and scarred like abused circus monkeys. It’s like a bunch of grapes, some are good some are bad. It’s really grape how life can turn out. (pun intended)._

_Or compare it to a domino puzzle, every piece marks a point in our lives. Once the pieces becomes moody and dark, that’s where we are in the void. Then the pieces becomes bright and beautiful and we’re happy again. Right now my pieces are as bright as the sun. And it will become even brighter ten months from now. I’m getting married then. I’ve to tell you about the proposal; yesterday we were taking a stroll in Hyde Park when a horse suddenly came up to us. It had a package around its neck with my name on it. Scott, pretending to be surprised asked me to take it and so I did. In it was a diamond ring, in gold. And before I knew, he was down on his knees, popping the question with a huge grin on his face. A horse of all things!_

_“Will you marry me?” I said yes. Oh god, I’m blushing from the thought. Yeah, it makes you wonder why he proposed to me one and a half year after divorcing his wife. He said that marriage was the ultimate bonding between two people and it created a special emotional connection. It meant a lot to him. And it’s beginning to mean a lot to me. I’ve been a bachelor for my whole life, mainly because I never found that special connection with anyone before now. We told the news to Jason and Elise. They were over-joyed by it, even the haughty Elise began to cry. Jason wanted to be Scott’s best man. Elise is going to be the witness, and her son the pageboy. She even promised to help us plan the wedding. Cool, right? You two are invited too of course. It would make me happy more than anything to see you two there by my side._

_What do you think, Thomas Commings? Scott Stevens? Nothing at all? Who knows?_

_If you watched HK, you probably know Scott won and got the prize as executive chef at one of Chef Ramsay’s restaurants. Due to our breakup, he couldn’t keep it. So Jason took over. The Viking was quite happy about it._

_We moved closer to you, in something bigger. After all there is a need for bigger space now that I’m more or less a stepfather. The apartment is large, but it pleasurable too. And the community is much more peaceful and welcoming. I kinda regret I didn’t moved here sooner. The other guys from HK can’t find me anymore, I’ve broken all contact now. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It’s refreshing even._

_I met Scott’s family. Quite awkward to be honest. The kids likes me, though they don’t know that I’m engaged to their father yet. To them, I’m daddy’s “friend”. Tiffany on the other hand is very stern and snarky towards me, but I tolerate her. I can’t be too bothered if it turns out, she’s homophobic. Or perhaps she’s still in shock over the turn of event. But at least she and Scott are good friends again. And she’s beginning to warm up for me, gradually._

_It’s awesome. Being a scapegoat apparently gives you lots of rewards for the hardship one has to face. Or maybe it’s just life. Either way, I’m grateful today for the gift that bitch life has given me._

_Tommy_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end. A little sappy maybe.   
> Comments, contructive and praising are always welcome.   
> Thank you very much for reading.


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